Dogs to be shot in Olympic stadium

THE opening ceremony for the Olympic games will include a pile of tractor parts and a man with large hands glaring at everyone, it has been revealed.

Trainspotting director Danny Boyle will direct the £27M extravaganza that the world will watch for thirty seconds before getting bored and going for a piss.

Organisers had hoped Boyle would deliver a frenetic montage of dead smack babies, dismemberment and Robert Carlyle that would make London look brilliant compared to Edinburgh.

But the director has announced plans to turn the stadium into a nightmarish, hallucinatory version of the British countryside.

The ceremony will begin with a tribe of woad-painted schoolchildren having the shit kicked out of them by a group of riot police dressed as Roman centurions.

A series of endangered animals will then be slaughtered into extinction by members of The Grumbleweeds and a further set of schoolchildren beaten up, this time by officers of the armed forces dressed as medieval land barons.

Boyle said: “We’ll be encouraging spectators to bring their pet dogs to the stadium, where they will be blasted with a shotgun by a ruddy-faced bearded lunatic.

“That’s assuming anybody actually makes it to the games, as we’ll be blocking up every lane of traffic into the Olympic park with a flotilla of caravans and dangerous-looking farm equipment doing three miles an hour.”

The show will climax with an enormous tea shop being erected in the centre of the arena, with audience participation as spectators are handed a tepid styrofoam cup of tea, an ossified scone and a three-figure bill.

Boyle said: “We’re especially pleased that Lord Coe and Boris Johnson have agreed to narrate the final scene of two public school chums discussing the crippling expense of the country cottage they inhabit for three weeks of the year before telling everyone in the stadium to get the fuck off their property.”

 

 

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Now you’ve turned 40 it may be time to slow things down a bit. Certainly until the redness goes away.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
People ‘air guitar’ or even ‘air drum’ to music but as a Milli Vanilli fan you often find yourself ‘air sitting on your arse while session singers do your job for you’.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
It’s true that after ten years of marriage your sex life has diminished, especially since your neighbours moved away and the window cleaner has said he won’t come around any more.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
You assume the government finally gave in to the demands of the sex terrorists as it’s been ages since you heard about sex bombs on the radio.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Your thin excuses for watching Euro 2012 matches are tested to the limit this Saturday as you try to argue that the Greece/Russia match will draw an interesting parallel with the fall of Constantinople in 1453.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Hearing gay marriage described as the greatest threat to the Church of England in 500 years makes you realise you have to do something, like go out and get some cock.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Are you a man having a recurring nightmare that you’re a rabbit being attacked by dogs, or a rabbit having a recurring nightmare you’re an IT dullard frittering his life away with a cocktail of loneliness and resentment?

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Returning to work from holiday you’re disturbed to find that there’s somebody sat at your desk, none of your colleagues recognises you and the company appears to have changed its core business, so it’s something of a relief to be reminded of your mental illness and the fact you retired in 1987.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
So ‘Rainy days and Mondays always get me down’ do they, Karen Carpenter? Well, as somebody who isn’t a pop star in California and is somebody who works in a call centre in Carlisle I have to say up yours.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Your years of experience filming sporting events and zooming in on the saucy women in the crowd was apparently deemed inappropriate when you covered last year’s Armistice Day Service.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
A sobering thought in the cinema this week as you realise that Men In Black 3 is not only a dreadful sequel, it also describes the number of blokes in America whose bank accounts are in credit.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Mungo Jerry talked some shit, didn’t he?