Dozens of elderly women arrested in Bake-Off betting scandal

DOZENS of elderly woman have been arrested after a flurry of bets on the same contestant in The Great British Bake-Off.

Amid claims the name of the winner had been leaked, police raided addresses across the country, recovering hundreds of betting slips and confiscating computers that have probably never been used.

Detective Inspector Martin Bishop said: “This has the hallmarks of a highly organised effort by the sort of vicious, scheming old women with whom all of us are extremely familiar.”

Bookmakers have now stopped taking bets on the programme after being reminded that it was actually filmed months ago and has already been won.

Meanwhile Eleanor Shaw, vice-chair of the Women’s Institute, dismissed the allegations, adding: “The idea that a group of retired ladies would be involved in a betting scam is preposterous. Particularly as the big, Hong Kong-based syndicates will come down on you like a ton of shit.

“We watch the Bake-Off for our love of cake and sexual innuendo.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Trent Bridge wicket has 'miracle healing properties'

THE wicket at Trent Bridge can cure the sick, it has been claimed.

After England’s inexplicable display against Australia, fans are bringing ill relatives to Nottingham to rub their affected body parts against the sacred pitch.

Julian Cook, from Stevenage, said: “Many of us are refusing to leave, fearing that if we do the spell will be broken.

“Therefore we have invited sickly friends and relatives to join us so that they may commune with the Holy Wicket of Broad and be healed.”

Roy Hobbs, from Peterborough, added: “I can handle a devastating display of bowling followed by a batting collapse, or somebody putting on a magisterial but ultimately futile century, but for both to happen on the same day means we have crossed into the realm of the supernatural.

“Look at this – I’ve tossed this coin 427 times since the match and it’s come up heads, but with a portrait of Joe Root, each time. What can it mean?”