Doctor Who fans reminded that it's for children

DOCTOR Who producers have once again reminded the show’s ardent fans that it is actually for children.

Fans are concerned that as a time lord from Gallifrey, the Doctor is now far beyond his or her allotted 12 regenerations and therefore the show should already have ended.

They now fear the Doctor Who universe could collapse in on itself, destroying everything including Star Wars and Battlestar Galactica.

But a BBC spokesman said: “How’s about this? We’ve just decided that The Doctor can fire Angel Delight from his or her fingertips and is sexually attracted to suspension bridges. How did we do that? Because we’re making it up as we go along.

“If you watch any third-rate comedian, he will pretend to like Knight Rider and Bazooka Joe bubblegum before talking about watching Doctor Who from behind the sofa as a child. As… a… child.”

The spokesman added: “We’re getting really sick of having to discuss Tardis engineering with 35 year-old men who smell like damp sandwiches.”

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New Crackdown On Orange People

BRITAIN'S orange people are to be banned from enclosed public places under tough new laws, it emerged last night.

The department of health is drafting legislation which will create a new offence of being bright orange in a bar or restaurant, a ban on being orange near a school and a new tax on the ultra-violet end of the spectrum.

From next April sunbeds will carry huge, close-up photographs of Jodie Marsh, the comedy breast lady, freak-wrangler Simon Cowell and Tommy Sheridan, the Trotskyite Big Brother contestant.

Meanwhile a hard-hitting television advert will feature a child saying: "I'm not scared of the dark, I'm not scared of spiders, but I am scared of my dad looking like he's got a basketball for a head."

Ministers stressed they are not anti-orange people and said the rust-coloured will be given access to counselling and be offered a patch which gradually turns them the colour of milky coffee.

A spokesman for the Campaign to Restrict Immoral Sunbed Practices (CRISP) said: "The excessively-tanned give off a toxic mixture of more than 800 carcinogens and their bright orange hue can trigger epileptic seizures.

"We also want a ban on being rust-coloured behind the wheel of a car. And then of course there's all the children."

Emma Bradford, from Stevenage, said: "I think it's a great idea. I hate going to the pub and then coming home stinking of fluorescent tubes."

But critics say the ban could lead to the orange people standing outside pubs if only the British weather was not so consistently awful which is probably why they use sunbeds in the first place.