New Show To Follow Reality TV Producers Around

A NEW reality TV show will follow 10 reality TV producers around for three months to discover what on earth goes on in their minds.

Executives responsible for shows such as Extreme Victorian Kitchen Swap, Ibizan Teenage House Kitchen and I'm So Fat, Swap Me For a House, will live together in a North London loft conversion while viewers watch them lazily rehash each other's ideas over and over again.

Channel 4 commissioning editor Charlie Reeves said: "We've got Giles, a morally bankrupt cocaine addict, Sebastian, a hooting, prurient moron and Kathy, who wants to bring back Simon Groom and looks like a prostitute for clowns."

The contestants will lie around on sofas, drinking cases of Cloudy Bay and discussing the exact moment when they realised that celebrities from the 1980s could be paid to do things they do not normally do.

Tasks will include developing a format with eight entirely separate premium rate phone lines and devising 14 new ways to keep Justin Lee Collins from going back to work at the cider factory.

Reeves added: "We strongly suspect that one of the ideas will be to wait for six months and then get Justin Lee Collins to reassemble them in the same loft and re-enact the whole thing all over again."

But Julian Cook, the executive from RDF Television who commissioned Live Celebrity Cock Swap, said: "We should have two lofts and then half-way through we should do some sort of swap. Why hasn't anyone thought of this before?"

News of the series comes as the last remaining Big Brother viewer left his house, went into his back garden and started poking at a dead squirrel with a knitting needle.

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Working Class Lottery Money To Be Invested In Kerry Katona

THE National Lottery can do more to benefit its predominantly working-class players by giving lots of money to Kerry Katona, ministers said yesterday.

Ms Katona will receive up to £10 million per month in used fifties, which she will be free to spend on saturated fat, Disney merchandise and unbelievably vulgar holidays.

Culture minister, Ben Bradshaw, said: "It's about time we thanked the working class for pissing their money away every week on an infinitesimally small chance of escaping their dreary existence.

"As an independent woman with the self-control of a hungry labrador in a sausage factory, Kerry is the perfect mascot for the modern prole.

"Nothing will please them more than seeing their heroine stuffing her face with massive gammon-and-prawn-spicy vol-au-vents as her and her checkout-girl pals drive around the country in a bright pink, stretch Hummer, singing drunkenly to Rhiannna and flashing their tits."

According to Camelot 98% of lottery players and 101% of scratchcard buyers are officially working class.

But previous lottery-funded projects have been criticised as too middle-class, including a 60ft sculpture of some brioche made from bits of the Guardian and a free, open-air ballet about searching for the perfect sun-dried tomato during that golden summer in Tuscany.

A spokesman for Katona said: "She's going to have her tits pumped up to the size of the Albert Hall, fill the English channel with Lambrini and then bob around in it hosting noisy 'Princess parties' on her knockers with free prawn bites and Akon as the guest of honour. Minted."