THE wedding of actor Danny Dyer will end with his wife being kidnapped by rival gangsters, it has been confirmed.
Danny Dyer expert Mary Fisher said: “Pretty much everything Danny does ends up with him vowing revenge, and his nuptials will be no exception.
“Halfway through the post-ceremony disco the best man will be revealed as a goon for an unconvincing crime firm called ‘The Tough As Nails Crew’ with a grudge against Danny because of some vague territorial conflict.
“The villain will whip out a ‘shooter’ because dragging Danny’s ‘missus’ into a waiting secondhand BMW 7 Series. Then Danny will make a hard face and say something like, ‘This ain’t no game, I’m coming for you.’
“From there he will shoot some stocky men who run strip clubs, blow up a warehouse, etcetera before eventually getting his wife back.
“The wedding photographer will video the whole thing, edit it down to 90 minutes and release it straight onto the shelves of Britain’s remaining DVD libraries, which should just about pay for the canapes.”