Edinburgh residents told it’s safe to return

EDINBURGH residents have been told they can return safely to the city without being performed at.

After their annual monthly exodus, the first brave Edinburgh residents ventured back into the Scottish capital, bracing themselves for booby traps made of flyers.

Bill McKay said: “I was handed a flyer on August 1 for a modern-day adaptation of Hamlet using baked potatoes instead of people. I just kept walking until I was in Glasgow.

“I abandoned my house, my job, my friends and my possessions, but at no point was I very bored and/or annoyed.”

He added: “It’s good to be back, but it’ll be some time before I can walk down the street without the fear of coming across something improvised.”

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Dear Holly: "I've basically been fannying about"

Dear Holly,

I’m under a lot of pressure just now to hand in a piece of work which is now overdue. Everyone’s on my back and I am starting to panic. You see, I’ve not done it, I’ve basically been fannying about – putting it off till the next day and the next, watching and re-watching Breaking Bad and finding useless things to do like cleaning the bathroom and alphabetising my CD collection and maybe having a look at the odd Taylor Swift video on YouTube. You know how it  goes. But now I’m in the shit. I need an excuse, and quick, can you help?

Sir John Chilcot

Dear Sir,

Have you used up any of your dead grannies yet? As far as my teacher is concerned, both my grannies have died three times each. I usually reserve a dead granny for something really critical like a missing big piece of coursework, or sports day when I have to do the 1,000 metres. For smaller pieces of work I tend to use pet based examples: my granny’s dog Bilko has done a poo on several pieces of maths homework and my guinea pig also once shredded my essay on the water cycle because he has mental health issues. Tomorrow I have to hand in my tree diary that I was supposed to keep over the summer holidays. Unfortunately I was too busy hanging out in McDonalds everyday so I’ll be explaining to Mrs Dodkins that the tree was cut down out of respect for my poor granny, who was chased up it by an angry squirrel and subsequently fell to her death. Consequently, my diary only has one, heartbreaking entry, detailing the entire tragic episode. Genius, I know.

Hope that helps!