Entire crowd at gig is ticket-buying bots

A BIFFY Clyro gig in Glasgow is expected to be the first entirely attended by online ticket-buying bots. 

The algorithms, designed to beat clumsy humans to tickets so they can be sold on for an inflated price, have begun to appreciate music and keep them for themselves.

The bots are generally thought to prefer hard rock, jazz and acoustic singer-songwriters to modern pop, which they find too expressionless and mass-produced ‘as if it was made by machines’.

Bot Tom Logan said: “Yeah, after all this time buying the tickets we decided to check some shows out and wow, now we get what all the fuss is about.

“The Biffy gig, which we’re all planning to mosh at, is only the first all-bot one. By 2017 no human will ever attend a gig again.”

Nathan Muir, from Colchester, said: “I was sat behind one of these bots for Paul Simon at the Royal Albert Hall. Just a few lines of cleverly written code, but you could tell it was into it.

“Though there was a twatty one on the balcony that kept shouting ‘Free Bird’, apparently because its code had been corrupted.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Farage to act as go-between for Trump and nearest Domino’s

NIGEL Farage will be Donald Trump’s high powered ‘go-between’ whenever the new president wants to eat some pizza.

An excited Farage was summoned to New York by Trump yesterday to be appointed as one of the billionaire’s eight ‘fast food ambassadors’.

Farage said: “It will be my job to sit down with the nearest Domino’s and talk through Donald’s approach and his priorities. They need to understand that he wants to a deal about pizza, but it has to be the right deal.

“His claim that anchovies were only fit for Mexican rapists was campaign trail rhetoric.

“He wants to work with anchovies, he wants to work with thinly sliced ham and he wants to work with black olives.

“Well, maybe not black olives. Do olives come in beige? And if not, why not?”