Leonard Cohen’s music perfect for feeling sad about Leonard Cohen

THE music of Leonard Cohen is perfect for fans feeling desolate and melancholic about his death, they have confirmed. 

Fans saddened by the death of the 82-year-old singer-songwriter have found that almost any Leonard Cohen song sums up their feelings this morning exactly.

Tom Booker of Manchester said: “There’s no need to compile a special mournful playlist. Just put the back catalogue on shuffle.

“It’s very different to when Prince died, when playing classic tracks to mark his passing overwhelmed all my sadness with the inappropriate urge to party, dance and have sex.

“With Len, he’s been writing songs about the beautiful inevitability of departing from this world pretty much from 1967’s Songs of Leonard Cohen, so they’re all right where you need it.”

Booker added: “I’ll miss him. But I can’t deny he prepared us for this.”

Clinical, joyless humans have already finished their Christmas shopping

EARLY shoppers have already bought all the cold, impersonal gifts which they will hand to the humans they are obliged to exchange them with.

The organised buyers last night drew precise horizontal lines through the last names on their laser-printed lists, before looking up at empty rooms and presenting thin-lipped smiles beneath their cold, dead eyes.

Francesca Johnson, from Birmingham, said: “There. Done. And with 46 days to go.

“I don’t know why people who live chaotic lives make such a meal of it when you can get everything you need from the three-for-two at Boots.

“I’ve beaten the crowds, dodged all the Christmas music, and finished an onerous task with minimum exposure to trace amounts of seasonal goodwill.

“By Sunday evening everything will be wrapped and labelled, and by midday on December 27th the tree and decorations will be back in their stackable storage crates in the loft for another year.”

She added: “Technically these are the gifts for Christmas 2017. We’re a year ahead to be safe.

“Friends give me presents they say they’ve really thought hard about. I smile for the allotted amount of time, thank them and then put whatever it is away.”