Eurovision to be hosted in homophobic Daily Mail reader's living room

THE Eurovision Song Contest for 2023 will be hosted in the living room of a homophobic gammon, it has been confirmed.

62-year-old Roy Hobbs’s Rushmoor living room has beaten bids from Glasgow and London to host the popular song contest when it comes to Britain next year, and he is f**king furious about it.

A spokesman said: “Eurovision spreads a message of unity and acceptance through music, and nowhere is that needed more than in Roy’s front room.

“Contestants will perform their irrational pop anthems in flamboyant fashion right in front of his TV, while Graham Norton provides camp, ironic commentary from the kitchenette.  We will replace the frustrated rage and bigotry which hangs in the air with sparkling confetti.”

Hobbs said: “I haven’t watched Eurovision since Bucks Fizz. It’s a filthy farrago of far-left perversion corrupting a continent. And next year it’s taking place in the six feet between my sofa and my telly.

“I will deplore every part of it but there’s no avoiding it. I can’t go to bed without a backstage pass. So I shall have to sit and watch the entire thing, seething with anger, endeavoring not to be turned into one of those by six topless men from North Macedonia swinging around in gyroscopes.

“We should have left Eurovision when we did Brexit and had our own sensible song contest, with staunch Brits in suits singing common-sense lyrics. In the absence of that I’m backing Montenegro.”

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The Famous Five's summer holidays vs your childhood summer holidays

RAISED on the Famous Five’s long summers of sunshine, mouthwatering picnics and foiling a smuggling ring? How did it compare to your miserable reality? 

Famous Five: During six weeks off in Dorset catch kidnappers, find hidden treasure, uncover a bomb plot, and have a marvellous time doing so.

You: Mostly hung around aimlessly. The only crime you solved was who vandalised a swing in the park, because it you was you and your mates.

Famous Five: Spent long days exploring coves, caves, moorland, tunnels and mysterious old houses.

You: Sat dead-eyed in front of the telly with a friend you barely spoke to playing literally hundreds of hours of Spectrum games such as Frogger that never varied or progressed, except for getting so fast they were unplayable.

Famous Five: Enjoyed a traditional diet of sandwiches, hard-boiled eggs, fresh plums, and lashings of homemade ginger beer, all of which tasted like manna from heaven.

You: Crisps. More crisps. Fried egg and oven chips. Angel Delight. Or, if on holiday at the seaside, dry fish and chips in a cafe sheltering from the rain.

Famous Five: Would meet interesting strangers, such as gypsies, inventors or a girl who worked for the circus.

You: Got shouted at by a grumpy local bloke who claimed you were on private property, which you weren’t. Your aunt came round to tell to your mum about her hysterectomy.

Famous Five: Existed in a wholesome world that set them up to be decent and well-adjusted adults.

You: Spent your time seeking out wanking material or planning to go round to Andy’s house because he said his dad had Driller Killer on VHS, which turned out to be bollocks.

Famous Five: The Five’s parents were either absent, kidnapped, or mere enablers of adventure and providers of picnics.

You: Your parents inappropriately dragged you along to visit relatives, where they talked about grown-up stuff and you sat with a cup of tea you didn’t want, so bored you thought you might die.

Famous Five: Formed deep, lifelong friendships. After disagreements they made up and were better friends than ever.

You: Bullied your mate Colin. You’re not even sure why. Gavin stuffed some cat shit down his back. It’s probably not a summer of friendship Colin cherishes.

Famous Five: Would find a secret passage leading to a hidden cove with a boat they could take to Kirrin Island.

You: Had a plan to build a treehouse. Then you realised you had a couple of bits of wood, no tools and no suitable tree. When you went back to the potential treehouse site the next day, someone had stolen your bits of wood.