Everyone crying at films now

BRITAIN needs to get a bloody grip and stop crying every time it watches a film, experts have claimed.

As the Guardian persisted with its series on ‘the film that makes me cry’, the Institute for Studies said the newspaper was reflecting a disturbing trend for making everything less enjoyable.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Some twat in the Guardian said they cry at Local Hero. Which bit? Seriously, which fucking bit of Local Hero is making you cry?

“The bit at the end when the American is back in Houston and gets some Scottish seashells out of his pocket? It’s poignant, I’ll give you that. But crying? Really?

“Another one said they cried at Fantastic Mr Fox. The bit when Mr Fox salutes the black wolf is magnificent, but if you cry at that then my guess is that what you’re really crying about is how beautiful and poetic you are.

“You need to stop doing that.”

Brubaker added: “Do you know what film made me cry? What We Did on Our Holiday with Billy Connolly and David Tennant. Do you know why? Because I love Billy Connolly and it was fucking shit.

“Everyone get a grip, immediately.”

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Air DJing overtakes air guitar

MIMING the hand movements of DJing has finally overtaken air guitar solos.

New data shows there are 19 per cent more ageing men cupping one hand to their ear and scratching with the other than resting their finger-picking hand on their gut while extending the other vaguely outwards.

Pub landlord Norman Steele said: “There are areas of crossover – the air DJs will switch to guitar for Fool’s Gold – but in the main it’s all about doing spinbacks and pushing the faders.

“I put Pump Up The Volume by M/A/R/R/S on last week, and the pool table area came alive with balding men dropping some pretend scratch science.

“One guy was even flipping through an imaginary record box with a stern facial expression before doing an imaginary bump of coke.”

Teenager Emma Bradford said: “My uncle Matt’s so fried that one of his hands is permanently holding an imaginary record aloft as if to suggest it is a ‘tune’. We lead him around the front room like a cat, his knuckles scraping on the ceiling.

“It shows how pathetic behaviour can cross cultural divides. I look forward to 2045, when I horrify my kids by hitting the dancefloor and doing air selfies.”