Fantasy author creates incredibly believable world by spelling normal words slightly wrong

A FANTASY author praised for his stunning worldbuilding just takes everyday words and spells them slightly differently, it has emerged. 

Norman Steele, author of bestselling fantasy series The Swordingsong of Garr-Eth, has admitted that his books just take words like ‘priest’ and ‘wizard’, change them to ‘preist’ and ‘wyszard’ and the money rolls in.

He continued: “If you look closely, all of my characters are called normal names like Gary or Steve. But change it a little – spell it Garie or Sta’eve, for example – and everyone goes apeshit for it.

“My publisher says readers want to believe they’re not just reading the same old tired fantasy tropes. My solution? The same old fantasy tropes but I’ve spruced up the words a little. And I’m acclaimed for my groundbreaking originality.

“Tolkien had the One Ring, I have the Lone Hring. Narnia had the wardrobe, I have the Loft Between Worlds. It’s so f**king easy I still can’t quite believe it works.”

Steele is approaching the release of sixteenth novel in the series and has big plans for the grand finale. He said: “Jenni’fer and Richoord face off against the Despiser. Maybe destroying an artefact with the unexpected help of small, hairy, pure-hearted people.

“I’ll call them pygmlings, just to be on the safe side, and wait for the TV offers. If The Wheel of Time’s getting made, why not my shit?”

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Six weird as f**k Christmas carols

THE festive season is upon us, and carollers around the country are warming up to shout weird shit. What the f**k are these classics about?

God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen

Ladies, you’ve got Girls Just Want To Have Fun and that Shania Twain one for your nights out. This one’s for the blokes of the 17th century. Never mind that it’s in a terrifying minor key and it’s the only carol that features Satan, just focus on the tidings of comfort and joy, yeah?

We Three Kings of Orient Are

Finally, a carol where you get to use syntax like Yoda. And then you reach the verses about gifts, explaining cheerfully that myrrh is to represent ‘sorrowing, sighing, bleeding, dying’. Normal new baby things that were definitely on Mary’s Pinterest mood board.

Ding Dong Merrily On High

Imitating a doorbell is a great and not batshit way to start any song. The real issue is the multiple instances of verb forms that simply don’t exist. ‘Let steeple bells be swungen’? Absolutely not.

I Saw Three Ships

First, shut the f**k up about some ships. Second, apparently they were crewed by our Saviour Christ and his hitherto unmentioned lady? Do you realise how badly this buggers up New Testament continuity?

Good King Wenceslas

Look, however great a monarch Wenceslas was, and however mad fun it is to say the word ‘cruel’ with two syllables, there’s no reason he should get his own song at Christmas. Carols should be about Jesus or, you know, his disciples and prophets and shit. Why are we even talking about one king’s overdue change of heart?

The Little Drummer Boy

Here’s where we all pretend to be a little boy who had the nerve to go visit a newborn with a loud musical instrument. There’s no way we should be celebrating how much he fucked up Mary’s sleep training. That pa-rum-pum-pumming prick should be on a list, not in a song.