Father weeps tears of joy on realising he has seen his last Peppa Pig

THE father of a four-year-old wept tears of unashamed joy upon realising he will never watch Peppa Pig again for the rest of his life. 

Tom Booker of Stafford at first did not react when his youngest daughter said ‘Don’t like Peppa, Ben & Holly instead,’ then fell to his knees with the revelation that his 12-year ordeal was finally over.

He said: “Oh God, can it be true? Am I free of this yoke of porcine tyranny at last?

“I was just a young man back in 2005 when I put it on to calm my first child, who is now in secondary school. It seemed harmless. Even witty.

“I did not understand, back then, that I would come to know those 208 episodes better than I know any work of art or literature. I no longer remember a word of Middlemarch. Grandpa’s Little Train overwrote it long ago.

“Farewell, Mister Skinnylegs. Goodbye, Foggy Day. Sayonara, Sun, Sea and Snow, which is where the show jumped the shark in my opinion.

“Today, I become once again a man.”

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Bristol elects Tory mayor after most people were too stoned to vote

BRISTOL has elected a Conservative mayor because most of the city’s population was stoned and forgot to vote.

New mayor Tim Bowles acknowledged the circumstances of his victory and thanked local weed dealers for their help.

He said: “The only way I was going to win was if a significant number of people were completely toasted and had no idea what day of the week it was, never mind the fact there was an election.

“Not that I have to ask, but please do keep sucking down your funky cigarettes while I go about my nefarious business.”

Stoned Bristol resident Tom Logan said: “Really? Oh. Well that’s not good. I need to get my shit together. Maybe next week, or the week after.

“But right now I just need to stand in the street in broad daylight have a smoke of this delicious, locally grown cannabis.”