UKIP has been flattened in the local elections like a hedgehog under a convoy of HGVs, it has been confirmed.
The party, which has no discernible reason to exist after Theresa May discovered she agreed with them all along, now has no MPs, no councillors and is drying out on the hard shoulder while being pecked by crows.
Political analyst Susan Traherne said: “We could accurately sum up UKIP’s night with the single word ‘splat!’, but why not savour this?
“The party, which spiked itself up like it was all hard and tough and nobody better mess with it, has been crushed so utterly it is now entirely two-dimensional.
“UKIP is so flat you could post it with just an ordinary stamp. You could slip it under a door. You could fax it.”
Wayne Hayes, a voter from Lincoln, added: “I am a bit worried about all these UKIP councillors being released back into the community.
“They are going to keep spouting their stupid bullshit, but now they’ll just do it in the pub.”