UKIP flattened like an M6 hedgehog

UKIP has been flattened in the local elections like a hedgehog under a convoy of HGVs, it has been confirmed. 

The party, which has no discernible reason to exist after Theresa May discovered she agreed with them all along, now has no MPs, no councillors and is drying out on the hard shoulder while being pecked by crows.

Political analyst Susan Traherne said: “We could accurately sum up UKIP’s night with the single word ‘splat!’, but why not savour this?

“The party, which spiked itself up like it was all hard and tough and nobody better mess with it, has been crushed so utterly it is now entirely two-dimensional.

“UKIP is so flat you could post it with just an ordinary stamp. You could slip it under a door. You could fax it.”

Wayne Hayes, a voter from Lincoln, added: “I am a bit worried about all these UKIP councillors being released back into the community.

“They are going to keep spouting their stupid bullshit, but now they’ll just do it in the pub.”

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Child of mummy blogger wondering what he did wrong

THE seven-year-old son of a mummy blogger has discovered the thousands of words written about him and is wondering if it is his fault. 

Julian Cook stumbled across an open WordPress post on his mother’s laptop and began practicing his reading before realising all those nasty things were about him, his baby sister, and Daddy.

Mother Francesca Cook said: “Please come out of the bathroom, Julian. Mummy is so sorry.

“I know it seems like mummy was being mean, but she was being funny! Strangers on the internet like it when I call you a demon! I got a free tote bag!

“I don’t really drink heavily every night the moment you’ve gone to bed, that’s just mummy being silly. And of course I love your drawings and never throw them away!

“Please come out and have a biscuit and this can be our special secret. Daddy doesn’t need to know I call him the fat bee ee double-ell ee en dee.”

Julian said: “I can’t help but blame myself, even though it’s her tearing this family apart.

“Also it’s called ‘Wine and Mumishment’. I don’t understand that, but my gut’s telling me it’s unforgivable.”