It is now my duty to say those things, says Charles

THE Prince of Wales has accepted that it is now his duty, following his father’s retirement from public life, to say those things to those people. 

Prince Charles is thought to have accepted his responsibility with a heavy heart but recognises that the Duke of Edinburgh’s legacy must continue.

He said: “It is a sad day both for my father and for me, because he enjoyed making those remarks to the same degree that I abhor them.

“But it must carry on, and so over the next month I will visit a Chinese school, a sailing project for gay youths, a rehabilitation centre for amputees, an urban garden in Brixton, and Nigeria.

“I hope you all enjoy the things I will say, and please pardon me if I am hesitant or stumble over my words. They do not come naturally to me.

“Thankfully when I become King this role will pass to my younger brother Andrew, who’ll be fantastic at it.”

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Pub where ‘everyone looks out for each other’ horribly violent

REGULARS at a pub that values community spirit above all beat the shit out of each other most nights, they have confirmed. 

Patrons of Plymouth’s White Swan argue the pub is the heart of their estate before the arguments degenerate into actual bodily harm.

Landlady Donna Sheridan said: “We all pull together round here. Last week we had a collection to get Macca a wheelchair, and a fortnight ago we raised £400 for Adz’s court fines for breaking both Macca’s legs.

“We’re like a family. You can come in here any time of day and find a shoulder to cry on or a face to break a pool cue on, if you’re in more of that mood.

“And though we might fight sometimes, we’ll always present a united front when the people in neighbouring houses call the police. Or the fire brigade.”

Local Roy Hobbs said: “I went there once. Someone asked me what the fuck I was looking at. When I backed off he called me a ‘blow-in’ and told me to go back to Wetherspoons.”