I am a strong, stable, paranoid lunatic, says May

THERESA May has told the nation she is a strong, stable leader with paranoid delusions that she has enemies hidden everywhere. 

The Conservative leader announced at Downing Street that she alone can be trusted to defend Britain against the shadow-bureaucrats of the EU, who can enter your dreams.

She continued: “Jeremy Corbyn is too weak to even threaten to use our nuclear deterrent, whereas I frequently find myself with my shaking hand hovering over the launch button at 4am with no idea how I got there.

“I am the only leader fully briefed on the EU’s chemtrails, GM foods pacification programme, implantation of RFID chips into dogs which they then use as cameras, and their ‘black sites’ of alien technology.

“Even now, they are activating sleeper agents across the media who attempt to seize control of my mind in their ‘interviews’.

“Their tentacles are everywhere. I may be the only sane one left. The only way to save Britain is to burn it to the ground.

“In summary, vote Conservative.”