I am a strong, stable, paranoid lunatic, says May

THERESA May has told the nation she is a strong, stable leader with paranoid delusions that she has enemies hidden everywhere. 

The Conservative leader announced at Downing Street that she alone can be trusted to defend Britain against the shadow-bureaucrats of the EU, who can enter your dreams.

She continued: “Jeremy Corbyn is too weak to even threaten to use our nuclear deterrent, whereas I frequently find myself with my shaking hand hovering over the launch button at 4am with no idea how I got there.

“I am the only leader fully briefed on the EU’s chemtrails, GM foods pacification programme, implantation of RFID chips into dogs which they then use as cameras, and their ‘black sites’ of alien technology.

“Even now, they are activating sleeper agents across the media who attempt to seize control of my mind in their ‘interviews’.

“Their tentacles are everywhere. I may be the only sane one left. The only way to save Britain is to burn it to the ground.

“In summary, vote Conservative.”

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Urban foragers say ‘F**k this' and go to Waitrose

A GROUP of middle-class ‘urban foragers’ were forced to use a supermarket to acquire food that was actually edible, it has emerged.

Nathan Muir and friends had hoped to collect plants from parks and verges near their North London homes, but quickly discovered the whole exercise was impractical.

He said: “I’d expected to find a rich harvest on my doorstep and I did, but only of dog turds and empty paint tins.

“After six knackering hours of passers-by thinking we were on community service all we’d got was a handful of cow parsley and some manky wild garlic. Not enough for a nourishing meal for six people who’ve used loads of calories foraging.

“A crop of nettles in the park could’ve made a soup but a bloke playing football had taken a piss on them, which I’ll admit put me off a bit.

“Luckily there’s a Waitrose so we went there. Now I get why urban foxes go straight for your bins.”

Muir later decided the expedition had been a success after grating a small amount of wild garlic onto his Waitrose Indian chicken shashlik for two.