Firework display perfectly out of sync to music

AN organised firework display is detonating pyrotechnics timed precisely not to coincide with the rhythms of its soundtrack.

The display in Chester’s Thackeray Park had an eclectic soundtrack of pop, hip hop, classical music and rock, all of which were meticulously timed to be drowned out by explosions.

Attendee and 6Music listener Nathan Muir said: “The soundtrack was ambitious, the fireworks were spectacular, the two never managed to synchronise in any way.

“You can’t get a rhythm simpler than We Will Rock You and there the fireworks were, just that crucial bit behind the beat and getting further behind with every double handclap.

Thus Spake Zarathustra got the fanfares all wrong, Katy Perry’s Firework – there’s no show without f**king Punch – was near inaudible thanks to bangs over the words, and Forgot About Dre was nothing but shrieking rockets.

“Have they noticed fireworks make a noise already, indeed that’s half their charm? And we never used to have a twat mix of 75-second-songs to accompany them and we were fine?”

Display operator Norman Steele said: “I set off bombs for a living. I’ve been deaf since 1998.”

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Texting with one finger the correct way, scientists confirm 

EXPERTS agree with your mum that jabbing the screen with a single finger is the most effective method of text messaging. 

New research has found that a one-finger approach provides the most accurate spelling and selection of emojis, which should always take precedence over speed.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “While many favour the quicker, more natural movement of texting with both thumbs, the correct method is actually holding the phone a foot away from your face and typing one letter at a time with your index finger.

“You can build on this technique by completely retracting the finger every time you make contact with the phone, to inspect what you have written for accuracy.

“Our research suggests that when done properly, composing a single message should take up to 15 minutes, and leave the texter completely unable to respond to outside stimuli during this period.

“Struggling with something incredibly simple is all part of the fun of this method of texting, which is likely why ageing parents favour it.”

When asked for her opinion, 59-year-old mum Mary Fisher’s WhatsApp status said ‘typing’ for seven minutes before she replied with a single thumbs up emoji.