WAVING a baton about looks easy, doesn’t it? And you’re right, it is. Here are some jobs that are, quite frankly, taking the piss.
Anyone who has ever held a stick before is halfway to becoming a fully trained conductor. ‘But it’s actually really difficult,’ they bleat. No it isn’t. The people you are conducting are trained professionals and know exactly what to do. You’re just waving your arms around like a show-off.
100 metre runner
Athletes running 200 metres or more not only have to run, but run round corners as well. It’s an added level of complexity that 100 metre runners don’t have to bother with. They just start, run for a few seconds in the same direction and then stop. The current record is 9.58 seconds, somewhat less than the eight hours you grind away at your job every day, you complete mug.
Thanks to autocue, being a newsreader is easy-peasy. You can read? Marvellous. You can speak too? Excellent. You can do both together? Super, you’re a fully trained newsreader, even though you didn’t realise it. There’s a downside though: you might have to do a half-hour show plus a couple of bulletins. That’s a gruelling hour’s worth of work each day.
Water coming out of a pipe when it shouldn’t be? Just find the hole and seal it. Water not coming out of a pipe when it should be? Make a hole in it. The added benefits of being a plumber include never answering your phone, starting work at 11am, having a 90-minute lunch break, finishing work at 3pm and having every Monday and Friday off.
To set yourself up as a personal trainer, buy a pair of running shoes, a t-shirt and tracksuit bottoms, and memorise a few annoying phrases like ‘no pain, no gain’ and ‘you got this’. Then stand around in a gym all day looking at your phone while your clients do the hard work.
A service on Sunday that nobody attends, a few christenings, weddings and funerals scattered throughout the week, the odd coffee morning, and confession. It’s basically a lot of tea and biscuits, plus you get to find out all the juicy village gossip like who has been shagging their neighbour. Sounds like a laugh, as well as a piece of piss.