Orchestra conductor and other jobs that look piss-easy but are, in actual fact, even easier

WAVING a baton about looks easy, doesn’t it? And you’re right, it is. Here are some jobs that are, quite frankly, taking the piss.

Orchestra conductor

Anyone who has ever held a stick before is halfway to becoming a fully trained conductor. ‘But it’s actually really difficult,’ they bleat. No it isn’t. The people you are conducting are trained professionals and know exactly what to do. You’re just waving your arms around like a show-off.

100 metre runner

Athletes running 200 metres or more not only have to run, but run round corners as well. It’s an added level of complexity that 100 metre runners don’t have to bother with. They just start, run for a few seconds in the same direction and then stop. The current record is 9.58 seconds, somewhat less than the eight hours you grind away at your job every day, you complete mug.


Thanks to autocue, being a newsreader is easy-peasy. You can read? Marvellous. You can speak too? Excellent. You can do both together? Super, you’re a fully trained newsreader, even though you didn’t realise it. There’s a downside though: you might have to do a half-hour show plus a couple of bulletins. That’s a gruelling hour’s worth of work each day.


Water coming out of a pipe when it shouldn’t be? Just find the hole and seal it. Water not coming out of a pipe when it should be? Make a hole in it. The added benefits of being a plumber include never answering your phone, starting work at 11am, having a 90-minute lunch break, finishing work at 3pm and having every Monday and Friday off.

Personal trainer

To set yourself up as a personal trainer, buy a pair of running shoes, a t-shirt and tracksuit bottoms, and memorise a few annoying phrases like ‘no pain, no gain’ and ‘you got this’. Then stand around in a gym all day looking at your phone while your clients do the hard work.


A service on Sunday that nobody attends, a few christenings, weddings and funerals scattered throughout the week, the odd coffee morning, and confession. It’s basically a lot of tea and biscuits, plus you get to find out all the juicy village gossip like who has been shagging their neighbour. Sounds like a laugh, as well as a piece of piss.

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Hungover woman determined to make everyone suffer for it

A WOMAN who drank two bottles of red wine last night is determined to share her pain with everyone around her, it has emerged.

Charlotte Phelps enjoyed the bottles of Campo Viejo Rioja as a treat after a hard week at work, ruining the rest of her weekend, and her family’s, in the process.

Phelps said: “It worked really well as a stress reliever. Until I woke up this morning. And now the whole world needs to suffer.

“My husband clearly knew I’d be a f**king nightmare today, so he brought me some toast and tea in bed. Unfortunately, this just made me feel guilty for being hungover so I told him to stop being an obsequious shitbag.

“Then when I finally dragged myself out of bed the kids had the TV on loudly so I shouted at them for making too much noise and switched it off. Then they went on their iPads so I told them off for being antisocial and confiscated them.

“Lucky little bastards, not being old enough to drink. They’re part of this family, so they deserve to share my pain, as does the dog, my parents when they came round for lunch, and the Amazon delivery driver who rang the buzzer too enthusiastically.

“This must be someone else’s fault. Why would I inflict this on myself? That would be mental.”