LOVE loud noises and people punching each other, but hate believable plots and dialogue? Here are five f**king stupid movies for the brain-dead:
The moment Hollywood first discovered that muscles and a post-mortem one-liner delivery system beat acting any day. Unbelievably homoerotic, full of stupid quips and stupider fights, starring a man with a heavy Austrian accent that goes unmentioned, Commando is a humourless bloodbath that will reduce your IQ to double figures.
Speed 2: Cruise Control, 1997
It’s a pun? Because they’re on a ‘cruise’ ship? If you just got that now, this film won’t be an insult to the brain. No Keanu, Sandra Bullock now with another bloke saving mass transit passengers from disaster: it equals a film too bad to be so bad its good. Instead, it’s so bad it f**king sucks.
How do you make a movie about saving the earth this dumb? Michael Bay. If you want to spend your evening splayed out without thought, letting the nonsensical idea of sending miners to space and cheesy Aerosmith first-wedding-dance songs roll over you, you’ll get through it. You’ll just never do Sudoku again.
Asks the questions we were all asking in the 90s – what if a cop went back in time? And what if the cop was played by a Belgian narcissist with a palpable disdain for acting? And what if the plot didn’t make any sense? The answers are here for anyone who thinks they can survive it.
Face/Off is a better film the thicker you are. If you’re comprehensively moronic, it’s a f**king masterpiece. You won’t question why Nicolas Cage’s wife wouldn’t notice that her husband suddenly had John Travolta’s body, or how two men with different bone structures swap faces so seamlessly. You may even – God help you – think it’s clever.