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How to bugger it all up when you're actually on time

ARE you actually set to arrive on time for once in your life? Here’s how to f**k yourself over just before you cross the finish line:

Try a new route

As you’ve got extra seconds to spare, this is the moment to test a short-cut through back roads or a different combination of tube lines. Or simply get cocky and disregard Google Maps for your own sense of direction. You’ll soon be so late you’re running and texting apologies at the same time.

Stop for refreshments

You can be in and out of Costa in no time, you kid yourself. But this visit isn’t the Formula One pit-stop you’d planned, with a queue, a new barista, and a malfunctioning expresso machine. By the time you’ve choked down your disappointing pecan Danish and grabbed your coffee you’re gulping it at high speed.

Make a call

You’re basking in extra time so surely this is the perfect time to catch up with an old pal or squeeze in a quick marital argument. Before you know it you’ll be hovering outside your destination, ten minutes late, desperately trying to end a chat with your mother.

Pop to a shop

You never have time to get anything so, as you’re a full two minutes ahead of schedule, why not pop into Flying Tiger or try on shoes you don’t want or need? That way you’re wasting money as well as time, and arrive late with shopping bags making it obvious why! Professional.

Turn to social media

You are a late person who’s on time for once – if that’s not worth posting on social media, what the hell is? All those old work colleagues and primary school friends who can’t quite remember why they follow you will be fascinated on their morning scroll. Three likes justify being late for that crucial job interview.

Work colleagues having extremely f**king obvious affair

A PAIR of colleagues who believe they are engaged in a secret affair could not be more wrong, workmates have confirmed. 

Chief operating officer Emma Bradford and procurement manager Nathan Muir think they are conducting an affair in some kind of special bubble making their meaningful glances, murmured endearments and surreptitious caresses invisible to the rest of the office.

Colleague Donna Sheridan said: “Before the first lockdown it was all flirtation. Now they’re studiously ignoring each other, apart from when they’re very obviously sexting during sales meetings.

“It couldn’t be more obvious they’re shagging if he was bending her over the desk while we’re eating lunch. Have they forgotten how bored we all are?

“They’re clearly at the stage when lust makes all rationality go out of the window, and have convinced themselves no-one else possesses eyes, ears, or a sense of smell. I envy them.”

Bradford said: “Nathan? Haha. He’s good company, but sex? Couldn’t be further from my mind.

“Is it partners invited to the Christmas do this year? It is? Then no, absolutely no way are we shagging. Memorise that and repeat it.”