IT’S your friend’s birthday, and the least you can do is post them a card. Here’s how that one simple action will take over your life for a fortnight:
Remember their birthday is coming up. Make a mental note to buy a card next time you’re in the supermarket.
Visit the supermarket at least six times, doing anything from big shops to picking up a few bits to going in specifically to buy a card, without buying a card.
Finally remember to buy the f**king card with the birthday just four days away.
Flush with triumph, leave the card untouched on the sideboard for four days.
Spot card, realise how much time has passed, hurriedly grab it and write a quick message.
Realise that you haven’t got their bloody address.
Put sealed card back on sideboard until you can find the address.
Go through old texts looking for the address.
Text a friend asking for the address.
Text your mum, who still writes names and addresses and phone numbers in an address book like a total Luddite, asking for the address.
Mum texts you the address.
Write address on card and, overwhelmed with relief that this ordeal is almost over, put it back on the sideboard and forget about it.
Card is covered by pile of unopened bills, hiding it completely.
Two days later open bills and see card with sinking feeling. Birthday has now passed without acknowledgement.
Vow to post card that day, except you haven’t got any f**king stamps.
Buy stamps, three days later.
Affix stamp to card and place on sideboard to be popped in the post the very next time you leave the house.
Entirely forget the card because you feel like you’ve already posted it.
Close door hard when leaving house, causing stamped addressed card to fall down behind sideboard.
Realise you can’t find card and tear house apart looking for it while shouting ‘How hard! Can it be! To send! A f**king card!’
F**k it. Give up and spend £5 on next-day delivery of a Moonpig card.
Congratulations! You have posted a card.