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How to fail to post a birthday card in just 23 easy steps

IT’S your friend’s birthday, and the least you can do is post them a card. Here’s how that one simple action will take over your life for a fortnight: 

Remember their birthday is coming up. Make a mental note to buy a card next time you’re in the supermarket.

Visit the supermarket at least six times, doing anything from big shops to picking up a few bits to going in specifically to buy a card, without buying a card.

Finally remember to buy the f**king card with the birthday just four days away.

Flush with triumph, leave the card untouched on the sideboard for four days.

Spot card, realise how much time has passed, hurriedly grab it and write a quick message.

Realise that you haven’t got their bloody address.

Put sealed card back on sideboard until you can find the address.

Go through old texts looking for the address.

Text a friend asking for the address.

Text your mum, who still writes names and addresses and phone numbers in an address book like a total Luddite, asking for the address.

Mum texts you the address.

Write address on card and, overwhelmed with relief that this ordeal is almost over, put it back on the sideboard and forget about it.

Card is covered by pile of unopened bills, hiding it completely.

Two days later open bills and see card with sinking feeling. Birthday has now passed without acknowledgement.

Vow to post card that day, except you haven’t got any f**king stamps.

Buy stamps, three days later.

Affix stamp to card and place on sideboard to be popped in the post the very next time you leave the house.

Entirely forget the card because you feel like you’ve already posted it.

Close door hard when leaving house, causing stamped addressed card to fall down behind sideboard.

Realise you can’t find card and tear house apart looking for it while shouting ‘How hard! Can it be! To send! A f**king card!’

F**k it. Give up and spend £5 on next-day delivery of a Moonpig card.

Congratulations! You have posted a card.

Thanks so much for the chance to get near-naked with strangers from the school run at 'Kayden's swim party'

INVITE received. Thanks for forcing me to be near-naked with pricks from the school run at your child’s swimming pool birthday party.

As you know, Ezra’s new to the school so he’s overjoyed to be coming. And I’ll be there wearing a swimsuit in front of 20 parents I only vaguely know. What could be more exhilarating?

Of course a parent has to go in the pool with their child for the party fun. And of course it’s mainly the dads, so they’re all bound to get a good look.

Apparently there’s a viewing gallery too. What fantastic frigging news. Whole families will be able to see me spilling out of a swimsuit I last wore in 2019 before my pre-pandemic weight gain.

I can’t think of a better backdrop to every halting playground chat about after-school clubs. It really is the perfect icebreaker.

You know who demands people turn up at parties hardly wearing anything? Emperors, Hugh Hefner and Puff Daddy. What makes f**king Kayden think he’s in that class I don’t know, but I will smile through gritted teeth as I pay homage.

Ezra? Oh, he’ll love it. He loves swimming. He doesn’t understand pool parties are a ritual humiliation organised by bastards. Anyway, see you on the 18th!