Woman can't stress enough how little she takes herself seriously

A WOMAN who does not take herself seriously will go to any lengths to prove how totally chill she is.

Emma Bradford’s Bumble profile states that she cannot stand people who take themselves too seriously, and has made her own carefree, relaxed approach to her likes, wants and achievements key to her personality.

She said: “If you can’t laugh at yourself then who can you laugh at? That’s why I positively invite mockery and only sulk for days when you’ve crossed an invisible line.

“My dress sense is fair game because it’s stylish yet kooky, and feel free to make a harmless jibe at the expense of my toned physique. I promise I won’t get that annoyed.

“Thinly-veiled jokes about my toxic opinions and passive aggressive attitude are strictly verboten though. Anyone who challenges my many flaws in any way should learn to hashtag be kind.”

Friend Joanna Kramer said: “After Emma begged me to tease her for hours I finally relented and made a harmless quip about her piercing laugh. Now she’s taking me to court for defamation of character.”

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Your dad's completely useless advice for leaving home

SCARED of leaving home? Don’t worry. Your dad has plenty of advice to make flying the nest even worse:

Finance

As an elder, your dad is much wiser than you when it comes to financial matters. If you’re struggling to afford rent, your dad’s advice is to put your non-existent spare cash into an ISA or invest in property. It’ll pay dividends down the line. In the meantime live cheaply by sleeping under a bridge.

Practicalities

Your dad will inundate you with household tips your mum has beaten out of him, like putting cling film on windows to prevent heat loss and slipping tin foil behind the radiator to keep energy bills down. The saddest part is that when you try these tricks out they actually f**king work. He must never know he’s right.

Relationships

Yes, he’s made mistakes, but your dad can tell you a thing or two about relationships. He knows now that you should only have one partner at a time, and to always look sorry if your partner feels they’ve been wronged. And, he can’t stress this enough, never forget birthdays or to use prophylactics. That’s how you came along.

Relocation

Changing address involves a lot of paperwork, or at least that’s what your dad hears from your mum who actually does it. Your old man isn’t completely inept though. The last time they relocated he got the internet to redirect their emails by typing the new address into Google. And they haven’t missed a spam message since.

Life

Not one for over-sentimentality, your dad will save his most heartfelt life advice until you’re walking out the front door for the last time. With a tear in his eye he’ll lean in close and hastily whisper ‘always wear one more layer than you need, never one less’. Then he’ll give you a hearty thump on the arm to show you he hasn’t gone soft.

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