Five childrens' characters that support patriarchal oppression

FIREMAN Sam has been fired for not being inclusive, and being Welsh besides. And he’s far from the only problematic children’s character: 

Mr Benn

Seemingly respectable Tory Mr Benn visits a bizarre costume shop and steps out into a fabulous new world as a medieval knight or astronaut. Yet another metaphor for homosexuality focused on wealthy cis male gays in London.

Peppa Pig

Daddy Pig may be a vainglorious incompetent treated as a figure of fun like Boris Johnson, but like Boris Johnson he’s still in f**king charge. Reactionary nuclear family propaganda which has yet to show Madame Gazelle admonishing Danny Dog for his toxic masculinity.

Captain Pugwash

Once thought to be a valuable educational tool about maritime sexuality, legal action has proved it to be one more story of criminal colonisers with a sexist recruitment policy for badly animated female cartoon pirates.

Teletubbies

Tokenism at its worst. While Tinky Winky is out, he fails to embrace a radical queer agenda and merely confirms the prejudices of his straight housemates by carrying a handbag. Teaches children nothing about asking strangers their pronouns, even though the target audience is two.

Rupert the Bear

It’s hard to escape the sense of male entitlement as Rupert plays in the woods as if he owns them while father smugly smokes his pipe like climate change isn’t real. And the less said about Pong Ping the Pekingese the better.

Fear of clowns no longer irrational

COULROPHOBIA, or the fear of clowns, has been reclassified from an anxiety disorder to a perfectly reasonable response to modern life. 

The Royal College of Psychiatrists has confirmed that events of the last three years have proved that clowns are a very real threat to each and every one of us.

Psychiatrist Norman Steele said: “Clowns have never been funny. But until recently their true terror has been the stuff of fiction, like the Joker or Stephen King’s It.

“However, the premiership of Boris Johnson and his precursor across the Atlantic has proved once and for all that they are properly scary.

“It is now clear that clowns, in their patched, baggy trousers, with their backfiring cars and balloon shapes and coming off badly in boxing bouts with kangaroos, are the number one threat to our lives.

“Indeed anyone making you laugh is not to be trusted. Even stand-up performers or panel-show regulars are dangerous authoritarians who would giggle while they watched you fight your loved ones for the last rat kebab.

“Be afraid of clowns. Be very afraid. They are not genial, self-deprecating funsters but psychopathic arch-manipulators. Today’s buffoon is tomorrow’s fascist dictator.”