Thursday, 13th May 2021

Five questions that need answering about James Bond

WITH the 25th James Bond film on the way, certain awkward questions about the long-running franchise really need answering. Here they are.

How does Bond dump women without a horrible row? 

Bond has not only had sex with them, but also shared bonding experiences. It’s hard to believe Pussy Galore would take being dumped lightly, and at the very least would pour paint on his Aston Martin.

How much training do you need to be 007?

It’s fine that Bond is a good driver and marksman, but how long would it also take to learn: fencing, flying a plane, flying a helicopter, all card/casino games, scuba diving, numerous technology skills and martial arts – all while becoming an expert on alcoholic drinks?

Does he get confused by people changing their appearance?

Bond continuity is a massive dog’s dinner, even if 007 is a codename for different spies. All you can really do is ignore it, unless Bond is going to have a deeply awkward conversation with Felix Leiter, asking “When did you become black?”.

Is world domination really worth it? 

The overheads of running a secret base in a volcano must be crippling, and it just attracts attention from Bond, the CIA and attractive women you’ve wronged. Blofeld et al could simply set up something equally lucrative like Just Eat. 

Does he have erection problems?

Bond is a heavy drinker and most blokes would find it hard to get it up after stressful experiences like almost being killed in space. Even with Moonraker character Dr Holly Goodhead. Not to mention her very distracting name.