Five ways the Grange Hill movie will massively let you down

THE Grange Hill movie is guaranteed to ruin your childhood by being a massive let-down. Here’s how it will disappoint.

They’ll remix the theme tune

You think you’ll be able to hear Alan Hawkshaw’s scratchy, funky theme tune blaring out of cinema speakers. Hell, they could just loop it for 90 minutes and you’d give the film five stars. It’s 2022 though, so they’ll probably give it a shit dubstep remix.

It’ll ignore canon

Fans on Grange Hill forums are already fretting about whether the film will ignore canon to attract younger viewers. As far as they’re concerned, a big screen reboot won’t be worthwhile if it doesn’t reference when Jeremy Irvine drowned in a swimming pool while trying to retrieve Faye’s bangle. (Thats episode 6, series 7, from 1984, obviously.)

Too much woke messaging

Everything’s gone woke these days, in your opinion, and the Grange Hill movie will be no exception. Expect to see lots of heavy-handed messages about tolerance delivered by a suspiciously diverse cast and the school logo emblazoned with rainbows. It was never like this in the old days. Apart from the endless campaigns about saying no to drugs, looking beyond Roly’s tubby appearance, etc.

You’ll realise how ancient you are

If you remember watching Grange Hill in its heyday you’re pushing 50 now. Usually you can ignore this fact, but a cameo by an aged, greying Tucker Jenkins will quickly remind you of the ravages of time. You were like that handsome rebel once, now look at you, getting excited by a children’s movie. Where did it all go wrong?

It’ll be a movie-length version of an old children’s show

The biggest disappointment of the Grange Hill movie is that it will take an outdated show and adapt it for a format that doesn’t suit. You’d be better off getting your nostalgic fix by rewatching old episodes, but don’t because then you’ll realise a lot of it was toss and your memory has been playing tricks on you for 40 years.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Man explaining non-fungible tokens to date still thinks he could score

A MAN who has spent 30 minutes explaining to his date what non-fungible tokens are is somehow under the impression that the evening is going well.

Jack Browne saw no problem in spending the main course telling Sophie Rodriguez exactly what a blockchain is, despite her blatantly looking at her phone the whole time.

Rodriguez said: “His Tinder bio did say he was a ‘crypto-nerd’ but it made him sound kind of offbeat and interesting. And also like he might be secretly loaded.

“However, it turns out his real passion is for explaining things in such tedious detail you want to poke your own eyes out with a fork just to have something else to think about.

“I’ll admit that I did briefly think about whether I’d shag him. However, it was just because I was bored. While he was banging on I also considered whether I’d shag the waiter, the woman at the next table or Michael Gove.

“And I’m still no wiser about what non-fungible tokens are. Is it a cartoon person on your computer or something? Sounds like a great way to lose money.”

Browne said: “Sophie kept using her phone while I was talking, but I’m pretty sure she was texting her mates to say what a fascinating guy I am. Or investing in NFTs.”