Five worthy successors to The Jeremy Kyle Show

ITV has announced it will not be replacing The Jeremy Kyle Show, leaving viewers without their fix of voyeuristic mid-morning misery. Fill that void with these: 

Relationship Car-Crash

Show featuring couples oblivious to the blindingly obvious issues with their relationships, like being married to other people or related. Will address questions like: ‘Should I marry this tracksuited thug with 14 kids who sells my telly for weed?’

Toothless Hags

Hour-long televisual parade of benefit claimants with bad teeth. To maintain the Kyle lie that this is not a Victorian freak show, all participants will be given £5 to pay for a taxi to the dentist.

Maybe You Should Get A Job Instead Of Having Massive Dramas?

An ‘expert’ gives a cost-benefit analysis of having a job and money versus spending 40+ hours a week on labyrinthine disputes with your unemployed neighbours. Guests will be given job-seeking support but also encouraged to scream at each other, obviously.

Thank God They’re Not Your Family

Show that unashamedly celebrates families that are joyously not yours. First episode: ‘I cheated on my girlfriend with my dad’s ex who’s technically my step-daughter and they put a contract on me in prison’.

Go On, Smash Their Face In

Distilled Kyle for purists. A pre-credits lie detector sequence and then goaded guests get stuck into each other with fists, feet, broken pool cues and, in the last segment of the show after all the betting adverts, crossbows.

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Producers reassure fans James Bond will still be a prick

THE producers of upcoming Bond film No Time To Die have reassured audiences that he will still be the same old offensive ars*hole. 

Claims that the 25th movie will be the most politically correct yet have been dismissed by producer Thomas Logan, who confirmed that Bond will be just as much of an up-himself sneering bastard as ever.

Logan continued: “He might have handed back his double-O licence, but he’s still a class-A prick.

“He’ll be laughing contemptuously at foreigners while driving through their homes, treating women as interchangeable sex objects, and making raised-eyebrow quips about opponents homosexual proclivities before shooting them.

“Yes, Phoebe Waller-Bridge is writing, but only to add her delightful edge of posh-girl cruelty. This is a Bond who voted Leave, eats red meat and is back on 20 B&H a day.”

58-year-old Stephen Malley said: “It would be another win for the liberal elite if James Bond wasn’t a xenophobic d*ckhead. Bring back the days of him fighting Chinese dwarves.”