ITV has announced it will not be replacing The Jeremy Kyle Show, leaving viewers without their fix of voyeuristic mid-morning misery. Fill that void with these:
Show featuring couples oblivious to the blindingly obvious issues with their relationships, like being married to other people or related. Will address questions like: ‘Should I marry this tracksuited thug with 14 kids who sells my telly for weed?’
Hour-long televisual parade of benefit claimants with bad teeth. To maintain the Kyle lie that this is not a Victorian freak show, all participants will be given £5 to pay for a taxi to the dentist.
Maybe You Should Get A Job Instead Of Having Massive Dramas?
An ‘expert’ gives a cost-benefit analysis of having a job and money versus spending 40+ hours a week on labyrinthine disputes with your unemployed neighbours. Guests will be given job-seeking support but also encouraged to scream at each other, obviously.
Thank God They’re Not Your Family
Show that unashamedly celebrates families that are joyously not yours. First episode: ‘I cheated on my girlfriend with my dad’s ex who’s technically my step-daughter and they put a contract on me in prison’.
Go On, Smash Their Face In
Distilled Kyle for purists. A pre-credits lie detector sequence and then goaded guests get stuck into each other with fists, feet, broken pool cues and, in the last segment of the show after all the betting adverts, crossbows.