Football Manager not real

THE Football Manager games depict fictional events with no bearing on reality, it has been confirmed.

Fan of the sports simulation have been warned to stop talking about Matias Kranevitter and Luka Jovic as if they know them, because that is not rational.

Psychologist Mary Fisher said: “After confirming that the person they are talking to has a working knowledge of football, a Football Manager fan launches into a blow-by-blow account of a fictional 15-year managerial career, demonstrating an unhealthily encyclopaedic knowledge of players they wouldn’t recognise in the street.

“You’re not actually headed to the Allianz Arena this weekend, you’re going to be sitting in your living room with the curtains drawn yelling at stick men on your laptop.”

Football Manager fan Julian Cooke said: “I’ll never forget the day I won the Europa League, there wasn’t a dry eye in the house until my girlfriend yanked out the power cord.

“That’s why I was a little put out when Gareth Bale turned me away from his birthday party last year, it was as if he didn’t remember the glorious two years we spent together at Real Madrid.”

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BBC4 canal boat programme contains subliminal gay porn

SPLIT-SECOND frames of hardcore gay pornography were spliced into BBC4’s All Aboard! The Canal Boat Trip.

The documentary shows a real-time journey down the Kennet and Avon canal, but as part of the BBC’s covert agenda to turn everyone gay it contains barely noticeable moments of homosexual intercourse.

A BBC source said: “Every 18 minutes there is a single frame from the film Leather Boyz 2: Bear Bar Buddies. It’s so fleeting that you don’t consciously notice it, but it is footage of muscular naked men writhing together in a big heap of limbs and grease.”

Retired Roy Hobbs said: “It’s odd because I thought the programme might make me want to take a barge holiday, when in fact in made me crave intimate contact with thickset bearded men.

“I have been married to a woman for 44 years and have never had gay urges before. In fact she was taken back when I said, ‘I could happily munch a penis right now’.

“But trying new things keeps you young, whether that’s salsa classes, ancestry websites or going to a ‘boots only’ party at a leather bar.”