F**ked-up space penguin to be best thing about new Star Wars

THAT weird half-penguin half-guinea pig thing in the new Star Wars movie will turn out to be easily the best bit, insiders have claimed.

The stupid-looking bullshit thing, which goes ‘Awiigh awiiigh’ 90 seconds into the Last Jedi trailer, might make your heart sink in despair in anticipation of its arsehole Orko-from-He-Man antics but will prove to be just brilliant.

A Star Wars insider said: “The Porg isn’t the new Ewoks. It’s the new Han Solo, Boba Fett and speeder bike chase all rolled into one.

“It may look like a team of CGI scientists brainstormed cuteness for too long until they went out the other side into flesh-creepingly grotesque, but it actually kicks all kinds of ass.

“In the finale it pilots the Millennium Falcon backwards in time through hyperspace, fights eight Jedi with six lightsabers simultaneously, shuts Kylo Ren down with a witty quip and reveals to Chewbacca it’s his father. And his mother.

“It’s actually the whole reason we agreed to do another trilogy. The third film will be entirely focused on it and its adventures, and after that Star Wars films will be known as Porg films and all the other characters will be forgotten.”

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Cocaine use in restaurant trade possibly linked to idiotic food and ludicrous prices, say experts

A HIGH level of cocaine use in upmarket restaurants may explain why the dishes all sound idiotic and the prices are insane.

As chef Gordon Ramsay claimed use of the drug was ‘rife’, experts said most of the restaurants’ customers were on cocaine as well.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “If you order something that combines pig’s liver foam and loganberry semolina for thirty-two quid, then you and everyone else involved have taken a lot of drugs.

“You could deny it, but that’s exactly what you would do if you were addicted to cocaine. You’re a shiny mess and you’ll eat anything as long as it’s expensive.

“Meanwhile, the people in the kitchen are throwing random ingredients into a frying pan while cackling like maniacs. You’re lucky they’re not charging you thirty-two quid for a little pile of Blu Tack drenched in nail varnish.”

He added: “As a heavy user of prescription painkillers I only go to restaurants run by fellow my Tramadol enthusiasts. It’s usually just a bowl of spaghetti hoops, but it is only 30p.”