TORCHWOOD creator Russell T Davies has reacted angrily to cuts in the series by threatening to turn the BBC's entire TV output into a same-sex inter-galactic love-in.
Davies warned he and his army of hyper-camp android production assistants would wrest control of Broadcasting House and unleash a menagerie of polysexual extraterrestrials onto existing programmes.
He said: "I'm talking about creatures like the Gayoid, a big pink cloud from the star system Gay Minor, that will bum Huw Edwards as he tries to read the news.
"Mind-controlling gay space slugs will be released onto the set of Eastenders. One will attach itself to Phil Mitchell's spine, causing him to close down the garage and set up an interior design consultancy, which will really tit up their story arcs.
"Finally, lesbian time lizards will eat and assimilate Fiona Bruce, becoming hosts of Antiques Roadshow and doing slippery sapphic space shenanigans with Henry Sandon's collection of rare clay pipes.
"Those gaylien-hating commissioners will rue the day they cut the series length of South Wales's leading sexually-ambiguous science fiction show."
The writer/producer refused to be drawn on rumours that he is planning a 'nuclear option' if BBC bosses do not acquiesce to his demands for a full twelve-part Torchwood series: a live broadcast of Annie Get Your Gun starring John Barrowman and a cast of cowboy-hatted cybermen that, if transmitted, will release a blast of cosmic gayness so intense that viewers' eyeballs will burst and leak pink fluid.
He added: "'I haven't yet decided if or when The Barrowman will enter play. He's currently chained but ready."
