Ghostly English teachers insisting adults read Go Set A Watchman

LONG-DEAD English teachers are appearing to their terrified former pupils to make them read the To Kill A Mockingbird sequel.

The ghostly manifestations finish with a request for an essay on the book’s symbolism for next Thursday that counts toward a final grade.

Joanna Kramer of Walsall said: “I was reading the new Stephen King, because after I left school I found that some books are fun and enjoyable, when the cover slammed shut on my fingers.

“The translucent, skeletal thin figure of Mr Wells from A-level loomed into my vision, telling me to buy the new Harper Lee and to stop chewing because only cows chew.

“I tried to bluff my way through a book report, but I said the main character was Holden Caulfield. Now I spend each sleepless night in hellish torment, analysing the portrayal of Maycomb’s black community in my own blood.”

Retail manager Stephen Malley said: “My old teacher Mrs Armstrong, who must have been dead for 30 years, appeared to me in broad daylight, her pallid face that of a recently disinterred corpse.

“She tried to make small talk but quickly moved on to the reason she’d risen from the grave, to force me to read Go Set A Watchman.”

Mrs Armstrong said: “He only left school 13 years ago, and I’m 39.

“Still, if it gets him reading.”

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IDS fires Kalashnikov into air

IAIN Duncan Smith has been reprimanded for firing a machine gun into the air following yesterday’s budget speech. 

The Work and Pensions Secretary pulled the AK-47 from its hiding place under the front bench and, holding it one-handed, discharged several rounds into the Commons ceiling. 

He also howled in an unrecognisable language later identified as a combination of Old Gaelic and Japanese, before squatting on his haunches, sticking his tongue out and baring his teeth at each member of the shadow cabinet in turn. 

Duncan Smith said: “Oh, for God’s sake, why is it considered so wrong for a politician to show a little passion these days? 

“Why can’t you just be happy for me?”

The bullet holes in the Commons’ canvas ceiling join several made in the 1990s, when Speaker Betty Boothroyd discharged a Smith & Wesson into the air to restore order.