Glastonbury cynicism wears out in 30 minutes

COMMENTS about how rubbish Glastonbury is wore thin 30 minutes after tickets went on sale, it has been confirmed.

Not jaded

Smartarses flooded the internet shortly after 9am yesterday to tell people buying tickets what gullible idiots they all were.

Miserable bastard Wayne Hayes said: “I got to use the word ‘trustafarian’ which is quite a result as that’s usually the first to go in the Glastonbury comment stampede.

“I’ve insulted people who go to Glastonbury ever since I was a teenager so I’d be devastated if I missed out and had to make do with moaning about the quality of beer at the Reading Festival instead.”

Abusing Glastonbury attendees has grown immensely since its humble beginnings in 1970 when eight people shouted ‘wanker’ over a dry stone wall at a man in a Hawkwind t-shirt.

It is estimated that almost half a million bitter nostalgia addicts will miss out on making snarky online comments this year, having to make do with picking holes in festivities while watching the live BBC broadcast.

Hayes said: “It’s not about which bands are playing, we know they’re all going to be shit, it’s the excitement of bitching about young people getting wasted and humping each other.”

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Lib Dem conference has ambience of a porno cinema

THE Liberal Democrat conference has recreated the sleazy atmosphere of an old-fashioned adult movie cinema.

MP Norman Steele said: “After a quick glance left and right to make sure nobody I knew was watching, I dodged off the street and through the doors of the Lib Dem conference.

“Like all older male politicians I regularly went to porno cinemas in the 90s, sadly they no longer exist but the sorry furtive vibe here is strongly nostalgic.

“A half-empty room populated by tired-looking pasty men with poor home lives, staring blankly at the entertainment while occasionally rummaging in their coats for a sandwich or biscuit.

“You can tell some delegates are homeless and have come in just for a sleep in the dry.

“Danny Alexander complained about the overpowering smell of wet clothes in the main auditorium, but I told him that sometimes in life you have to take what you can get.”