Alcoholic ‘just enjoying his own private Oktoberfest’

RAGING alcoholic Tom Logan celebrates Oktoberfest every day in his flat, he has claimed.

49-year-old Logan enjoys beers from around the world in the celebratory atmosphere of his bedsit, with traditional entertainment from the television.

Logan said: “You don’t need to be in a big Bavarian tent with crowds, buxom barmaids and lederhosen to enjoy the world’s biggest festival of binge drinking. The best party is the one in your mind.

“My Oktoberfest happens at home, with just me there, and for twelve months a year instead of one.

“I used to vary the beer selection although now it’s focused on strong budget lager which has a great fizzy taste.

“Sometimes I cry uncontrollably for a bit but generally it is great.”

Logan admitted that this year’s Oktoberfest budget was particularly tight after he was sacked from his job and his wife divorced him.

“It hasn’t affected the vibe though. I’m still up all night, drinking and eating the sausages which are my only source of nutrients, until the neighbours bang on the ceiling.

“Even then I quite often tell them to fuck off. They’re just jealous.”

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Black-eyed ghost child just wants scooter

THE terrifying black-eyed child haunting Cannock Chase is only after a scooter, it explained.

The child, who has been approaching solitary walkers with a blood-curdling scream, was trying to get their attention before pointing out what it wanted in the Toys R Us catalogue.

800-year-old ghost child Tom Booker said: “It’s got Ben 10 Alien Force on it, which is my favourite show to watch while standing silently at the windows. And you can do tricks on it like Tony Hawk.

“Please can I have it, please? If you don’t let me I’ll open a portal to the underworld and watch as you’re dragged down screaming to the Stygian depths. Please?”

Residents agreed to get the ghost the scooter, but have warned that was the last present until Christmas and no driving anyone mad.