Couple begins three-week process of initiating sex

A COUPLE has begun the first tentative moves towards sexual intercourse within the next 12 to 14 weeks.

Stephen and Emma Malley, who have been together for 13 years, are a day into the programme of deliberate touching and loaded remarks which will conclude 20 days later with some sex.

Stephen said: “I’m already ahead of our roadmap for intercourse by grazing both breasts and buttocks in the last 24 hours, while Emma has already proposed a ‘No iPad’ evening.

“Over the next fortnight our pre-foreplay foreplay, where we turn off the telly just to talk, will continue. Compliments will be given.

“I’m fully confident that we’ll be making sweet love before the seasons change, or at least before they change twice if neither of us has a work thing.”

The couple have agreed that, after sex, they will enjoy the relief of having it out of the way for the next fortnight before beginning the whole process again.

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Councils didn’t realise they could remove Banksys

BANKSY artworks are being removed by councils who had no idea they were allowed to just paint over them.

The stencilled pieces are being buried forever under several coats of municipal beige to the delight of local communities.

Peterborough councillor Roy Hobbs said: “We had this one of a rat eating McDonalds on the town hall, apparently a critique of late-stage capitalism, which I hated but thought I was powerless to remove.

“But Clacton has shown we can just paint over this sixth-form debate society bollocks with no consequences whatsoever. So it’s gone, gone, gone.”

Banksy has responded with a new piece showing a dog urinating on the Mona Lisa which was visible for less than five seconds in a Southwark underpass before being destroyed forever.