GLASTONBURY ticket sales have slumped this year after thousands of fans decided not to pay £155 to shit in a ditch.
Music fan Tom Logan said he was giving the festival a miss as he had only just recovered from the cryptosporidium he got last year after accidentally eating infected hippie faeces.
He said: "I saw what looked like a bowl of hummus outside someone's tent and just dived in. It tasted quite authentic. I think it must have been all the lentils. I had seconds."
Nikki Hollis, 26, said she would not return because it took her six months to fully remove the caked-in dirt and stains from her intimate area after spending three days up to her armpits in mud, urine and falafel grease.
She added: "I went to a wedding in Tewksebury last summer where they had some very nice portable toilets with soap dispensers and clean towels.
"But you know the best thing? They actually flushed so I didn’t have to do my shit on top of a giant pyramid of crap left by the previous thousand occupants."
Wayne Hayes, 36, said he wouldn’t mind spending three days having to eat other people’s dirt if only the music on offer was slightly uplifting.
He said: "We’ve got drug addicted skanks and boys in too-tight trousers who think that copying their dad’s records note-for-note is the height of musical originality.
"If I am going to get amoebic dysentry again, I’d like to hear a bit of opera while I'm crapping my stomach lining into a bucket."