Glaswegians warned to stop partying now

THE Commonwealth Games closing celebrations are still going, with DJs playing increasingly hard techno.

After performances by Kylie and Lulu, the music at Hampden Park quickly became more banging with unofficial performances by happy hardcore DJs and a widespread rumour that drugs were temporarily legal.

Onlooker Stephen Malley said: “Scotland has a rich heritage of getting nutted at massive all nighters so it’s only fitting that a load of ravers should storm the decks.

“It’s mental in there. I’ve done 14 Es and am not interested in going home. Apparently Lenny Dee’s playing in a bit.”

A government spokesman said: “Please can everyone please go home now or we will send in the army.

“We’ve no idea who ‘Force and Styles’ are but they are definitely not doing a live PA at midday.”

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84 per cent think WW1 was fought against Martians

MOST Britons think World War One involved extraterrestrials in massive tripods, it has emerged.

Bullets bounced off them

Experts believe centenary commemorations may be complicated by the widely-held belief that WW1 ended when the alien invaders died of a common cold.

Father-of-two Stephen Malley said: “Modern ignorance is disgusting, most people don’t even know about the red weed or how they drank our blood.

“I’m make sure my kids watch the Tom Cruise documentary film version of the war at least once a year, or the musical version by Jeff Wayne with disco music in it.”

Historian Mary Fisher said: “In fairness it was a hundred years ago and it’s difficult to hold all that stuff in your head what with all the good animal clips on YouTube these days.

“Even the most hardcore academics have forgotten the details and rely entirely on Wikipedia.

“I watched an interview with Harry Patch, he was very old so it’s safe to assume that those who fought in the war were pretty old at the time, probably about sixty.

“Not totally sure why it happened, probably something to do with Hitler.”