God thinks Oasis were shit

GOD has responded angrily to Noel Gallagher’s claims that he is an Oasis fan.

God said: “I’d never actually heard of them until yesterday.

“But having had a quick listen I’d say it’s a load of derivative, sub-Beatles tosh fronted by divs.

“I’m more into harp music.”

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Slobbery dog blanket valued at $12 billion

AN old blanket that has been lining a dog’s basket is worth $12 billion, it has emerged.

The blanket’s owner arrived at the valuation shortly after it was claimed that Twitter was worth $11 billion.

Slobbery-blanket billionaire Nikki Hollis said: “There’s no way my old, hair-covered blanket is worth less than what is basically a bucket of digital ejaculate.

“I mean, it’s a pretty good blanket. Sure it’s got some dog-related stains on it but if you look at the label it was from Marks and Spencer.

“Whoever buys it could put it in the washing machine and trim up the ragged edges, they’d have themselves a good third-hand blanket.”

Digital economist Roy Hobbs said: “When you consider that the blanket is a real, useful thing and Twitter isn’t, you have to admit she’s probably right.

“Now if Apple expressed an interest in the blanket that would probably double the value to $24 billion.

“I’m not sure that’ll happen though. The Apple team seem like the kind of people who might have allergies to dog hair.”