Harmonising mice make it through to Boot Camp

A GROUP of harmonising mice are preparing themselves for the gruelling Boot Camp stage of X Factor.

The mice, named *R’odentz by mentor Tulisa Constantavlos, secured a place in the next stage of the competition with an a capella version of Chasing Rainbows by Adele.

Tulisa called the performance ‘life changing’ while judge Louis Walsh said they could potentially be bigger than One Direction. Nicole Scherzinger basically agreed with what the others said then tried to vote them off.

Culture pundit Francesca Johnson said: “The X Factor has always been a showcase for squealing vermin.

“Meanwhile, mice are barely socialised animals with a tiny IQ and a huge appetite for cheese. The X Factor audience identifies with them very closely.”

But animal rights activist Roy Hobbs said: “These poor animals are humiliated every week. And now they are doing it to mice.

“They learn simple melodies by repetition and are then able to sing them, though of course they can’t understand the words or inject any real emotion.

“Hang on, I’ve genuinely forgotten whether we’re still talking about the mice.”



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Twitter tells footballers to piss off

TWITTER has told the hundreds of professional footballers on the site to piss up a rope.

The bollocks aggregator has been asked to explain its comments to the footballers, who insist they were simply writing series of vowels and consonants interspersed with the occasional exclamation mark.

By midnight the majority of footballers had deleted their accounts and were being fanned gently by a spouse, girlfriend or teenage glamour model in a Travelodge.

Twitterist Tom Logan said: “I was just telling Ricky Gervais what a ledge he was for his mong jokes when Twitter came on and told Ashley Cole to push his iPhone into his brain.

“Within a few minutes it’d told Joey Barton he wouldn’t understand a Nietzsche quote if somebody spelled it out with sticklebricks and suggested Wayne Rooney stop feeding the starfish on top of his head.

“I was disgusted. I’m not used to hearing that kind of thing unless I’ve written it about a celebrity who’s disappointed me by not making career choices I agree with.”

Complaints have flooded in from people who have not ventured very far into the internet and Twitter has taken down every single offensive, abusive or idiotic comment made on the site by anybody.

All that remains is a single tweet made two years ago by Wayne Hayes of Carlisle asking whatever happened to Babylon Zoo.