Harry Styles, Phoebe Waller-Bridge, Stormzy: who are the frontrunners to be the next James Bond and/or Doctor Who?

THE positions of James Bond and Doctor Who are simultaneously vacant, but who will step in to save the world and/or the galaxy? These are the frontrunners: 

Harry Styles

Already acting, unquestionably British, has a track history of womanising like Bond, wearing frilly outfits like the Doctor, and keeping obsessed from going apeshit. Would ruin everything by playing both roles at once and stopping for a quick song.

Phoebe Waller-Bridge

In with Bond after rewriting 20 lines for £5 million, the Fleabag star is posh enough to be the spy though would insist on monologuing to camera about how she regretted each kill. As the Doctor would travel time and space shagging Davros and the Cyberman and regretting that too.

Michaela Coel

Championed by all the same people who inisisted it had to be Phoebe Waller-Bridge five years ago, Coel would be the first black female Bond, the first black female Doctor Who, and the first accomplished black female writer-director to waste the prime of her career doing genre franchise bollocks. So she won’t.


Has no interest whatsoever in either job, but the Guardian remains so awestruck by his 2019 Glastonbury set he legally has to be included in this list.

Jodie Whittaker and Daniel Craig

In a mutually-agreed job swap Craig takes over as Doctor Who and Whittaker becomes the new Bond. Craig’s Who shoots everyone, dealing with alien invasions in 90 minutes tops, while Whittaker’s Doctor buggers about with time so much Blofeld lasers his own balls off.

Anyone not already playing a recurring role in a Marvel franchise

Rules out Tom Hardy, Tom Hiddleston, Martin Freeman, Benedict Cumberbatch, James McAvoy, Kit Harrington, Richard Madden, Rachel Weisz, Rachel McAdams and Ben Kingsley. Basically all other franchises are picking through discarded scraps.

Richard Madeley

A breath of fresh air in both roles, Madeley would tell women called Sexy MacMuff that they were clearly only doing it for attention and aggressively question Daleks about how they expect to run a galaxy of stairs, fine sand and recently ploughed fields. The perfect choice.

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You start the car. Where are you headed? 

A) To a bridge above the M6 to spot tankers, follow them to filling stations and get the precious petrol before anyone else does
B) To drop the kids at school then work, though there’s only three-eighths of a tank left so I’m worried I won’t last through the weekend

It’s lunchtime. Where do you go? 

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B) To pick up a prescription from the far side of town, passing several dry petrol stations on the way, watching the fuel gauge dip below a quarter

How do you plan to spend the evening? 

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B) Taking the kids to swimming lessons while nervously watching the fuel gauge head towards the red line, hoping this nonsense will end soon

Are you going anywhere at the weekend?

A) No. Apart from to get petrol before any other bugger does.
B) Inverness hopefully, for my grandmother’s 100th birthday. She’s not seen any family since Christmas 2019. All depends on whether we can get some petrol.


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