Hollywood all cleaned up after the only man who did this stuff convicted

HOLLYWOOD has pronounced itself free of all abuses of power after the only man who ever abused his power was jailed. 

Harvey Weinstein, convicted yesterday, was the sole man in the entire movie business who used his position in a criminal manner and now he has been locked up, everyone is safe again.

Leading Hollywood agent Denys Finch Hatton said: “The era of the casting couch, which began with Weinstein but used a term which pre-dates him by about 65 years, is now over.

“None of the rest of Hollywood’s powerful men have ever done anything terrible like this, as the actresses they date who are 30 years younger will affirm.

“Like a killer from a quiet suburb, Weinstein was a total aberration who none of us knew about and all of us were shocked by. Now he’s gone, nothing like that will ever happen again.

“Any young, hopeful, beautiful actresses – or indeed actors – can rest assured Los Angeles is a safe space that respects their boundaries.”

He added: “And if you don’t believe me, just watch the movie we’re going to make exonerating ourselves completely. Open casting next week.”

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Five post-Brexit pancake toppings

BLUE passports are back, we’re a sovereign nation again and it’s time to celebrate a patriotic post-Brexit pancake day with British toppings. Try these: 

Baked beans 

Beans are a British staple, and they’re as good on your pancakes as they are for your heart. Made in Wigan so there aren’t no pesky import issues, they’re perfect for proving that you’re not eating any sophisticated continental crepe. Interestingly, we’ll soon be bathing in them once the climate change water wars begin.


Other fruit are foreign, but strawberries grow here. You’ll have to wait a few months until they’re in season, and a little longer for the economically inactive to pick them, but we can set our own Shrove Tuesday now we’ve taken back control. In the meantime Twiglets will tide you over.


Free from the tyranny of the EU we can make trade deals with anyone. Our comprehensive trade deal with South Korea means we can trough out on fermented cabbage, and why not wrap it in fried batter, drown it in golden syrup, and choke it down with a smile?

Land Rover 

A crunchier topping here, and one that may take more than one pancake to wrap, but you’ll enjoy every bite of this red, white and blue treat knowing you’re doing your country proud.


Flavour is overrated. This Pancake Day take your pancakes dry. Not only will it save money, you’ll be able to really savour the flour and eggs.