Home Office to allow camp, deeply weird migrants in so Britain can win Eurovision

BRITAIN is to relax immigration laws to allow migrants wearing silver jumpsuits singing nonsensical songs about plum harvests who can win Eurovision for us. 

After a second successive last-place finish, culture minister Caroline Dineage said: “Britain is best at everything, we all know that, but we can’t be best at being shit.

“We’re picking the worst popstars our country has to offer, but they’re not good enough. The only solution is to import the crappest and most deranged musical minds the continent has to offer and let them run riot.

“Work permits, visas and citizenship are available to anyone who arrives on our shores in glittery shirts slashed to the navel, singing bizarre nonsense in accented English and then breaking off to perform a ballet dance with dancers dressed as sinister spoons.

“If your lyrics make sense, if your melody is pleasant, if your idea of performance does not involve sitting cross-legged in the air playing a piccolo while yodelling peasants ice-skate below you, don’t bother to apply.”

Slovenian tractor-driver Lojze Knez said: “Heard snatch of pop song from a passing car when boy. From that have created whole warped mental fantasia of pop music not in accordance with any kind of reality.

“But don’t want to go to Britain. Is shit.”

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When someone bumps into you, and other times Britons apologise unnecessarily

ARE you British? Then you’ve apologised, often repeatedly, for these things that really weren’t your fault: 

Someone bumping into you and treading on your toe

What arsehole leaves their house and walks down a street? You, that’s who. How inconsiderate of you. If you’d never been born this poor chap innocently walking along gazing into his phone would never have barged into you and crushed your toes in the first place. You owe him an apology, but can it ever be enough?

When making a justified complaint

How rude not to eat that dead mouse in your soup. You say you’re sorry, but the chef went to a lot of effort to prepare that food and you’re complaining. And, yes, you should be contrite for the brand-new television bought last week not working. Apologise for returning it to John Lewis and asking for a replacement, but don’t expect your apology to be accepted.

Sending a colleague an email

Sure, you open with ‘really sorry to bother you’ but do you mean it? If you really don’t want to bother someone you could try just never contacting them at all. Instead you did, selfishly, so you owe them this before you start.

For not packing your bag quickly enough in Aldi

You apologise for taking so long yet you’re still packing, inconveniencing the cashier, the customer behind, the customer behind them and so on. Even though you’ve abandoned your system of tins at the bottom, soft groceries at the top and everything will be ruined you’re still packing. And now you need another bag? You monster.

Turning up early

You should be bloody sorry; your appointment isn’t for another three minutes. We have time slots for a f**king reason, you wanker. This is a doctor’s surgery not a drop-in centre. Can’t you tell the time?