BRITAIN is to relax immigration laws to allow migrants wearing silver jumpsuits singing nonsensical songs about plum harvests who can win Eurovision for us.
After a second successive last-place finish, culture minister Caroline Dineage said: “Britain is best at everything, we all know that, but we can’t be best at being shit.
“We’re picking the worst popstars our country has to offer, but they’re not good enough. The only solution is to import the crappest and most deranged musical minds the continent has to offer and let them run riot.
“Work permits, visas and citizenship are available to anyone who arrives on our shores in glittery shirts slashed to the navel, singing bizarre nonsense in accented English and then breaking off to perform a ballet dance with dancers dressed as sinister spoons.
“If your lyrics make sense, if your melody is pleasant, if your idea of performance does not involve sitting cross-legged in the air playing a piccolo while yodelling peasants ice-skate below you, don’t bother to apply.”
Slovenian tractor-driver Lojze Knez said: “Heard snatch of pop song from a passing car when boy. From that have created whole warped mental fantasia of pop music not in accordance with any kind of reality.
“But don’t want to go to Britain. Is shit.”