EVERY year, Brits gather at the home of their gayest friend to laugh at Eurovision and end up being totally weirded out by what Latvia considers pop music.
But how will this year’s interval act, Madonna, ensure she’s not outshone by the light of a million sequins?
Begins show on roof with legs poking through ceiling, essentially wearing the whole venue as an outrageous costume. And she didn’t even get planning permission, the scamp.
Adopt an Israeli and a Palestinian child live on stage, during a medley of her 80s hits, then force them to hold hands proving ‘peace is possible’.
Recreate the In Bed With Madonna years by enveloping the entire audience in a massive duvet, then shagging them under it. It’s not creepy, it’s sex positive.
Employ reformed military robots with laser arms as backing dancers, who not only vogue magnificently but perform corrective eye surgery on fans, providing a narrative arc of Madonna-as-healer.
Sings new ballad, against background of sweeping strings, the lyrics which the audience only realises too late completely gives away the conclusion of Game of Thrones.