How Madonna will out-weird Eurovision

EVERY year, Brits gather at the home of their gayest friend to laugh at Eurovision and end up being totally weirded out by what Latvia considers pop music.

But how will this year’s interval act, Madonna, ensure she’s not outshone by the light of a million sequins?

Begins show on roof with legs poking through ceiling, essentially wearing the whole venue as an outrageous costume. And she didn’t even get planning permission, the scamp.

Adopt an Israeli and a Palestinian child live on stage, during a medley of her 80s hits, then force them to hold hands proving ‘peace is possible’.

Recreate the In Bed With Madonna years by enveloping the entire audience in a massive duvet, then shagging them under it. It’s not creepy, it’s sex positive.

Employ reformed military robots with laser arms as backing dancers, who not only vogue magnificently but perform corrective eye surgery on fans, providing a narrative arc of Madonna-as-healer.

Sings new ballad, against background of sweeping strings, the lyrics which the audience only realises too late completely gives away the conclusion of Game of Thrones.


Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Five ways to join in the leg-washing 'debate' even though it's idiotic

MANY people have admitted they don’t wash their legs in the shower, sparking a furious Twitter ‘debate’. Here are some handy comments to help you join in.

‘You should be grateful you have legs to wash #blessed’

Why not remind people how lucky they are to have legs to wash, when there are people out there without legs or showers? Watch the likes come flooding in from earnest idiots.


If you are a bit of a dick with time to kill then go Full Troll, preferably in capitals. This will guarantee you endless inane responses, such as, ‘If you need to wash your legs in the shower then YOU are the DIRTY one.’

‘I wash my legs in a small bowl of tepid water once a month to save the planet #greenliving’

Play the green card. Maybe even start a petition. This is a great way to show everyone what a bloody amazing person you are.

‘Everyone is wrong except me’

Get irrationally angry about the fact that not everyone showers in exactly the same way as you and announce you are leaving Twitter. Obviously wait for people to try to persuade you to stay and then don’t leave anyway, in an enormous waste of everyone’s time.

‘This is a totally stupid debate but I’m commenting anyway’

Claim it is a stupid debate and you are not getting involved, then give everyone a pointlessly detailed account of exactly how you wash your legs or not.