ARE you genuinely excited about the upcoming Harry Potter TV series on HBO? Here’s how to find the urgent psychiatric help you clearly need.
Confront yourself in the mirror
What happened to you? You used to have taste. You watched The Sopranos, for f**k’s sake, you know what a good TV programme looks like. But now you’re excited for a needless remake of a children’s book nobody asked for. Remind yourself of these important truths while staring unflinchingly into a mirror. And possibly punching yourself to make sure you get the message.
Talk to friends
During times of distress you need the support of your friendship group. They’ll understand that the wizarding world is inherently quite entertaining, but true friends will also point out that you’re 34 and should be out getting pissed instead. If they’re emotionally intelligent they might even put on the Prisoner of Azkaban film. It’s a reminder of the good times, they’ll say. Now let Harry go.
Reach out to a professional
When you’ve lost your senses to this extent it’s wise to get professional help. A trained psychologist will delve into your mental issues, speak to your inner child, and ask them how they can possibly be excited by an HBO series that’s clearly never going to adapt all of the books. John Lithgow is 80 for f**k’s sake. Even if don’t cancel the show when viewers realise they’ve seen it all before only with better actors, John won’t be around to play Dumbledore for The Deathly Hallows.
Join a support group
Remember you’re not alone. Community centres across the UK may well have support groups for adults like yourself who’ve succumbed to marketing that appeals to your nostalgia. You’ll be in a safe space, surrounded by Disney adults, Whovians, and grown men without children who collect Pokemon cards. Together you can work through your traumas – even Harry not ending up with Hermione.
Watch Mad Men
Being excited about Harry Potter could just mean you’ve forgotten what good TV is. You’re not ready to watch The Wire just yet, but Mad Men will serve as an effective reminder in the meantime. The gradual reveal of Don Draper’s secret past will reawaken your brain’s critical faculties, plus there’s lots of shagging to maintain your interest. By the time the Coca-Cola advert plays in season seven, you’ll be completely cured of your insanity. Unfortunately they’ll probably be remaking Mad Men by then as well.
