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I'm sick of influencers filming their TikToks in front of my wheelie bin

ALL bloody day it goes on, from the golden light of dawn to well into the night. I get that it’s striking, but I’m f**king sick of influencers staging photos by my wheelie bin. 

Every spring it’s the same. The moment the sun dappling through the budding trees makes it look like a fairytale of England past, there’s some Instagram honey looking over her shoulder with my wheelie bin beautifully framed.

I get it, I do. It’s a classic Contenur UK model, gunmetal gray, unusual blue lid, 240 litre and exceptionally well-preserved. I get it cleaned regularly and I invested in reflective numbering which I applied dead straight. It’s a very attractive bin.

But that doesn’t mean that come March I should be having to deal with an actual queue of influencers waiting for their turn to take their picture with it every day, all of them with changes of wardrobe, high-end designer bags and stylists.

It’s ridiculous. I’m stood there waiting ten minutes with a dustpan in my hand, unable to tip it away because some girl who’s flown all the way here from Nagoya needs to finish her shoot before we lose the light. I’m a busy man!

They want to reposition it, drape themselves over it, and be filmed disposing of their empty Peggy Porschen cupcake boxes in it, which I strictly forbid because I run out of room. Doesn’t stop the buggers though.

I can hardly watch telly for the chatter in a dozen different languages outside the kitchen windows, all ordering their boyfriends to climb walls and lie on floors to get the shot. And kissing it is frankly unhygienic.

But what can I do? I don’t want to lock it away to stop them getting at it. It’s got to be out every fortnight anyway, for household waste disposal, and if they could only get at it then the road would be so full the lorry couldn’t get down it.

I suppose I’ve no option but to grin and bear my wheelie bin’s global fame. Next time you see it on a TikTok I’m the slightly stooped balding bloke in the back.

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War drives hatred of benefits claimants up to 2006 levels

WAR in Iran, and the prospect of poor people receiving fuel subsidies, has driven national hatred of anyone claiming benefits to levels not seen since 2006. 

The threat of a fuel bailout not benefiting those with high incomes and multiple homes has caused a spike of loathing comparable only to the Thatcher years or the screening of a Channel 5 documentary with the word ‘scroungers’ in the title.

Professor Helen Archer, who teaches class loathing at the University of Durham, said: “It’s a dramatic shift. Five years ago calling a pregnant teenager on a council estate a ‘chav’ was considered poor taste.

“But now Waitrose shoppers have to continue paying energy bills they can easily afford, society has slipped back decades. Expect happy slapping and ASBOs to make a resurgence as an inevitable side effect.

“While once a wartime cost of living crisis would have engendered solidarity, those days are gone. In the modern era, a crumb of support offered to anyone who isn’t you or a pensioner with an exceptional war record is reason enough to hate.

“Of course, when Labour does its usual U-turn from a policy that makes financial sense to a policy that appeases voters, these payments will be a subsidy not a benefit. The resentment will remain and affect political affiliation accordingly.”

Benefits claimant Tom Booker said: “It was lovely to be seen as almost human for a while. But now I will resume my role as a parasitic scourge on civilisation.”

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