A QUEUE to register at a new NHS brothel in Yorkshire which is accepting new clients stretched for almost two miles.
The town of Skipton has been without an NHS-registered sexual services facility since 2007, leaving lower-income residents struggling to pay private providers for necessary work they are crying out for.
James Bates, aged 48, said: “I can’t afford what they charge privately. I’ve been doing it myself in the kitchen, using an angled mirror and a pair of pliers, but I can’t say I’ve done a good job.
“Successive government know we’ve been living in a prostitution desert but not one of them has acted. Even now I’m registered I’m told it’ll be four months’ wait for a simple polish, let alone the fillings I’ve been without since lockdown.”
NHS madam Suzie Traherne said: “The problem is the government pays on a scale set in 1945, when many of the modern sex acts we enjoy today were unknown.
“That means someone requiring an oral warm-up, penetration, full access to both boobs and a backshot finish earns me the same as a simple blowjob. It’s economically unviable.
“I’m having to tell customers mid-copulation that if they want me to swallow they’ll have to go private and this is the scale of costs. Which given the situation can be difficult to convey so they end up feeling ripped off. No wonder they go to Turkey.”
Bates said: “I understand the government’s introducing reforms, which is good. State-provided municipal sex is just better than private sex. Yes I’m a socialist.”
