BRITISH mortgage rates are shooting up like a Patriot missile because of war in Iran. So Donald Trump, always focused on the bottom line and the little guy, has advice:
Ask your property magnate father for help
Your father’s a slumlord, right? I mean he really ought to be or what are you doing. Ask him, say ‘Dad, you’re doing a great job threatening these low-income tenants, I admire it so much, can you buy me a midtown duplex.’ Later say he wasn’t involved and boost its value by adding a gold plastic roof.
Tell your bank it’s agreed to two per cent
You hold all the power, so you dictate the arrangement. Announce to crowds that it’s historic, that they’ve agreed to an unprecedented two per cent, that it’s the best mortgage deal in history many are saying, and they’ll be compelled to go along with it. That’s what’s happening with Iran. Lloyds Banking Group and the British police will fold similarly.
Request a 30 per cent deposit as a gift
Don’t approach anyone. Let them come to you. European leaders, Middle Eastern leaders, the FIFA guy; allow them to offer you the gift of a deposit and magnanimously accept. This means they own you and you must do anything they ask no matter how illegal, corrupt or immoral, but that’s never been an issue in my experience.
Gazump a close friend
Friend of yours about to sign the paperwork for their longed-for first home? Swoop in and gazump like I did with Epstein. Yes, it meant screwing over a real friend, but I always preferred money. Actually that’s not what happened. I broke off contact with Jeff because he did sick things with underage girls I knew nothing about.
Lie
Finally, tell your friends and delighted parents you’ve finally bought your first home and are moving in soon. When you’re still in your rent-controlled Queens apartment six months later, vehemently insist you do own a house and you’re living there right now, even if they erroneously complain you sound f**king insane. It works for me.
