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New Trainspotting kids' cartoon to be educational and fun, promises Welsh

A NEW cartoon based on Trainspotting will be a joyful learning experience for the under-fives, author Irvine Welsh has promised. 

The cartoon will feature much-loved characters Renton, Sick Boy, Begbie, Spud and the girl one getting up to crazy antics while teaching children about road safety and manners.

Irvine Welsh, who got used to money, says: “It’s in the spirit of the original, but adapted for a new generation of pre-schoolers with parents desperate to watch anything that even hints at adult edginess.

“Rents is now addicted to social media, Begbie is no longer a violent maniac but likes cuddles too much, while Sick Boy can be a little too daring! In the second episode, he climbs on top of the shed and won’t get down!

“Also there are trains in it, nobody has a Scottish accent because US audiences can’t understand them, it’s all in bright primary colours and nobody dies or has sex with a minor or shoves anything up their arse. And it allows for frequent advertising breaks.”

He adds: “This isn’t another Trainspotting cash-in like prequel Skagboys, sequels Porno, Dead Men’s Trousers, and Men In Love, spin-off The Blade Artist or T2: Trainspotting the movie. This one’s for kids!”

Viewer Tom Booker said: “I do love the past so much more when it’s been nicely sanitised and commodified. If only they’d do a tween TV show about my years sucking dick for lines.”

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'Dying alone is dying your way!' and other comforting sayings for the recently dumped

FRIEND been dumped? They’re being all moody about it? Change their outlook with these insightful views into their situation: 

‘Dying alone is dying your way’

Dying and leaving a loving partner behind means grief and complications. Will you be buried in the same plot? Who should be invited to the funeral? How will they live without you? It always ends up in painful compromise. Lucky you, dying alone, free to be cremated and your ashes scattered in a farmer’s field as fertiliser.

‘You’re free to be a loser on your own terms’

You’re an unloveable freak and that’s proven beyond doubt, but when you’re in a relationship you’re pathetically adaptable to your partner’s whims. Now that you’re single again? You’re living for you and unafraid. If that means watching Space 1999 in your pants in the dark while eating pasta straight from the pan, good for you!

‘The hassle of building a future together is a thing of the past’

Having a partner involves an exhausting amount of planning, often for a nebulous future. But since she blindsided you with a breakup and blocked your number? No more of that ballache. No worrying about marriage, kids, or satisfying societal expectations for you. Instead, it’s back to your original plan of never growing as a person, which is great.

‘Think of all the hot people who can reject you now’ 

Getting blanked by hot guys was forbidden when you were a couple, but now he’s moved on to someone else you’re free to get shot down by men out of your league all night every night. Pictured their toned, sneering faces and perfect teeth as they dismiss you and your alcohol-fuelled overconfidence and you’ll feel much better.

‘You’ve been here before and you’ll be here again’

The no-man’s land of heartache is your natural habitat. It would be foolish to remove a fish from the sea and expect it to thrive, and the same goes for you when it comes to lovelorn despair. Sure, you might occasionally have little holidays to romance and physical intimacy, but you’ll always boomerang back to your default state. It’s so you!

‘Most relationships are only built on sex anyway’

Other couples may seem happy and loved up, but don’t be fooled. It’s just a front and behind closed doors there’s nothing more to their connection than hour upon hour of steamy, acrobatic, rigorous lovemaking. They’re shallow, empty people with hollow lives. You’re missing out on nothing, except all the sex.

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