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Who has Trump been holding talks with if not Iran? Six best guesses

TRUMP claims to have been holding talks with Iran while Iran denies it. So who has he been talking to? 

Himself

Trump is not a man with an internal monologue. He voices his every thought even if it’s about fancying his own daughter. So when alone in the bathroom after his team completed anal clean-up, he began talking to the president of Iran who agreed to be his friend, to abandon nuclear, and to stop blocking Hormuz. Then he came out and announced it.

JD Vance with a towel on

The vice-president hasn’t been seen for a while because he was against war in Iran, which to Trump means he is Iran. He’s occasionally allowed out, a towel is tied around his head and he’s made to role-play as ‘the Ayatollah’. He tried agreeing with everything Trump said in the hope of seeing his family again. Delighted, Trump returned him to the basement.

Zohran Mamdami

‘It’s not that all Middle Eastern people are the same,’ Trump explained. ‘I’m Indian,’ said New York’s mayor. ‘As I was saying, it’s not like you’re all the same but you have a certain insight,’ Trump continued. Given the chance to end the war, Mamdani decided why the f**k not? If Iran doesn’t agree he’ll just pretend they do anyway and at least the bombs stop.

A prank-calling Australian DJ

Somewhere in Sydney, a morning DJ is sitting on a recording of himself putting on the accent of every baddie in a 00s action film and Trump falling for it. With every sentence he pushes the joke further – ‘We will manage the Strait jointly, like gay lovers!’ – and Trump enthusiastically agrees. If he broadcasts this, he will be famous and then killed.

Goose, from the film Top Gun

‘Talk to me, Goose!’ Maverick said, and Trump took it to heart. Ever day since 1986 he’s conversed with the spirit of the late radar intercept officer who’s guided him through life. Yesterday, he said ‘How are we doing on this Iran war, Goose?’ and Goose told him he’d been talking to the late Ayatollah and all his demands were agreed. Thanks, Goose.

Nobody

He knows he’s been in talks to nobody. We know he’s been in talks with nobody. He knows we know, but it amuses him to watch the media scurry about in a panic acting like he has because it’s better than the global economy collapsing. In the ultimate act of humiliation, he’s made every powerful person in the world pretend to believe his bullshit.

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Why I am an ardent feminist when it comes to foreigners. By Wayne Hayes

FEMINISM? I don’t need it, I’m a white man. But these foreigners coming to Britain? They’ll find no louder feminist than I if they try disrespecting our slags. 

I believe in gender equality, and we’ve achieved it post-Benny Hill. After the third date we’re splitting the bill, that’s how empowering I am. I also support women having careers and property and independence, so they’ve no call to try and move in with me.

Other cultures are different and need watching. You can’t trust them with our liberated women. So it’s as a feminist that I’m putting flags up on lampposts round council estates where they’ve moved in.

They come here and claim a woman is ‘asking for it’ because she’s in a short skirt, which is outrageous. Yes, we’ve all said it, but in English, in a pub full of men laughing along, in keeping with tradition. Not in a menacing, foreign way.

How are Muslims meant to integrate when we can’t even agree on fundamental human rights like pornography? Islam criticises women for drinking and shagging about, whereas I – as a sex positive feminist – am all for it.

Then there’s polygamy. On paper intriguing, but you can’t be practicing it over here. Not with the way family courts are biased against men. I’m thinking of you lads on this one, a four-way divorce would bleed you dry.

But it’s more women’s safety that concerns me. They’ve got to be able to walk the streets with only good-natured cat-calling. They need the freedom to wear low-cut tops without being leered at by non-Caucasians.

They’re delicate creatures; fragile, silly and easily overwhelmed. Which is exactly why we need strong leadership to protect them. Being assaulted by illegals is why that champion of women Donald Trump won office.

Boys will be boys and we’ve all pushed the limits, but it’s harmless fun when white-skinned citizens do it. When a migrant does it, he’s touching our property – I mean, infringing unacceptably on a woman’s person.

So ladies, much as I hate feminism, I’ll use it against them for you. Also, it’s a cracking reason for resuming the bombing of Iran.

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