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How to look as stupid as Met Gala celebrities on a budget

WISH you looked as laughably idiotic as the celebrities attending the Met Gala? Create an appropriate wardrobe on a budget with our guide: 

Get dressed sans lighting

High fashion is often plainly ludicrous but you don’t have to be Anna Wintour to achieve similar results. Instead break into a local charity shop and, while the lights are out and the burglar alarm blaring, throw on every item you stumble into. The child’s tent you wear as a skirt may not be suitable for the office but will be a wow on the red carpet.

Experiment with household materials

Traditional textiles can only get you so far. If you really want to look as glamorous as Doja Cat, start sporting a chic Bacofoil crop top or an opulent train fashioned from a shower curtain you used to protect furniture when decorating. With imagination, even the recycling bin is a treasure trove of jewellery and you’re ‘making a statement about the environment’.

Mix-and-match Halloween costumes

The formalwear of a vampire, teamed with the rags of the living dead? The chains of an executioner mixed with the jerkin of Shrek? The mask of a werewolf over the lilac of some f**king character your kid wanted to be from Fortnite? It’s jarring, it’s powerful, it’s pure fashion and Colman Domingo would be jealous.

Shop at TK Maxx

Looking for comically unusual clothes that nobody with even a tenuous grasp on sanity would consider? Cut out the couturier and shop at TK Maxx instead. Nothing will fit, nothing will match, no shoes will be paired, but it’ll be worth it when you eventually that statement hi-vis Hazmat suit with matching zippered trilby.

Wear your normal clothing

Sneering at the stars? Look in a mirror. Your sauce-stained cargo shorts and last season’s Crocs would be so outlandish at fashion’s top event they’d be astonishing. If the theme is Costume Art, then you’ve come as the groundbreaking work ‘My Bed’ by Tracey Emin. Empty Smirnoff bottles? Model’s own.

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The Mansion Tax: how it will lose money so should be abolished like all other taxes on the rich, by the rich

THE Mansion Tax was, like raising the top rate of income tax, always going to cost Britain money because economics works backwards over a certain level. Let me explain: 

The rich are very clever

The very wealthy are not content, like mere wage-earning sheep, to pay whatever tax is levied upon them. They will involve themselves in tax-avoidance schemes – and clever ones, not the ones used by footballers – and end up paying far less as a result. A wise nation would not force them into such painful duplicity.

Taxation costs money

To even assess the value of our homes, with all their period features and stables converted into pottery studios at the lady of the house’s passing whim, costs the government money. It also demoralises those inspecting, HM Revenue and ultimately the whole government. You’re happier not knowing of your inferiority, trust us.

It destabilises the property market

Seems ridiculous, doesn’t it? That your horrible little Redditch new build could be affected by our £6m London penthouses? But it means we don’t sell, and those below us cannot buy, and so on until you get no viewings on your grubby terrace and have to die there. And it’s all because of that dreadful mansion tax.

Our philanthropic urges are rebuffed

The lower orders, popping a pound into a box for the brief thrill of goodwill, have no conception of how generously we give. There is barely a kindly act in the country that is not dependent on our largesse. If that is withdrawn because you have offended us? Britain will become a blasted ruin of misery which you brought on yourselves.

You feel the shame

Deep down, you know this is not the way it was meant to be. The bottom strata of society demanding money from the top? It is an inversion of the natural order, the economy knows that and it will compensate by charging you more for your peccadillos, like beer and biscuits. Ask not why. Simply abolish this dreadful tax and rejoice.

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