A MAN praised for being physically affectionate and in touch with his emotions is surreptitiously following the dictates of his penis, he has confirmed.
Big cuddly teddy bear Joseph Turner loves giving hugs instead of handshakes because it brings women in closer contact with his genitals.
Joe explained: “I don’t understand why so many men don’t embrace their warm, caring side. It makes you seem loveable and kind and women press their breasts against you without asking to be paid for it.
“Whether an old friend, a colleague, or a colleague’s friend I’ve never met before, I’m always going in for a big hug. People assume it’s because I’m a big softy, but, believe me, it’s because I’m hard.”
Longtime friend and victim of Turner’s displays of affection Mary Fisher said: “He’s such an affectionate guy, and nobody holds a hug for eight seconds just for fleeting, through-four-layers boob-on-belly contact, do they? Except he does.
“The flat-chested and plain are oddly exempted from Joe telling them to ‘bring it in’. Meanwhile Alex’s new ridiculously top-heavy girlfriend got the full uncomfortable embrace.
“Though I have to admit I stole his trick and did the same. Well I wanted to feel if they were real.”
