How to make it through a shit film you've paid good money to watch

WATCHING a terrible film to the end to justify your Amazon rental or Netflix subscription? Make it hurt less with these tips:

Watch it in a ridiculous number of sittings

You should be immersed in the film’s story and cinematography, but you can only endure it in 20 minute blocks at a time, maximum. As the latest Fast & Furious launches into another interminable fight scene, it’s a morale boost to know you’ve only got two-and-a-half minutes to go before you can pause it and descale the kettle.

Drink heavily

Any pisshead will tell you that necking copious amounts of booze makes time skip forward erratically. Just don’t be so pissed you have no recollection of what happened in the last third of the film or you’ll have to watch the f**king thing again out of a pathetic sense of obligation.

Do something else while watching

Slog through to the credits by doing something appropriately distracting. Texting friends or planning a meal will kill time during a predictable psychological thriller, while a tedious sci-fi film featuring unlikeable characters bickering endlessly in deep space might require something more involved, eg studying for a degree in medieval art history.

Slag it off on IMDb

Join the twats who think they’re professional film critics by slagging off films for bizarre reasons on IMDb user reviews, eg. ‘Excellant cinematopraphy, but Candyman should of bean White.’ You’ll feel better for getting your moronic complaints off your chest, and more importantly it’s five minutes of not watching the bloody awful film.

Join a substance abuse group

Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous are full of people who’ve learned to make it through the next agonising hour, day or week of desperately wanting to reach for the bottle or smack. Ask them for tips on how to resist the urge to change channels. They’re bound to be sympathetic.

Recalibrate your film taste

Force yourself to watch all the real dogshit flicks: Turkish Star WarsManos: The Hands of FateFlesh Gordon. No fast forwarding, no texting, no booze to take the edge off. Eventually even mediocre British toss like Dad’s Army will feel like Goodfellas in comparison.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Unimaginative man thinking of own girlfriend while having a wank

DESPITE the endless alternatives available to him, an unimaginative man has chosen to masturbate while thinking of his girlfriend.

Nathan Muir could have pleasured himself while thinking of lingerie models, gawping at porn stars, or creating wildly implausible scenarios involving the Swedish women’s curling team, but instead chose to imagine girlfriend Emma Bradford who he gets to shag regularly for real anyway.

Muir said: “I suppose I could have spanked one out while thinking of Beyoncé or Lisa Ann or Sandra from work, but I’m a massive dullard so it didn’t really occur to me.

“Mind you, I did imagine that she was riding me while dressed as a cowgirl and wearing a gimp mask, so I guess I’m not completely without imagination.”

Bradford said: “I think it’s really sweet that Nathan thinks of me while tugging his pud. In fact I’d feel inadequate if he was having perverted thoughts about anyone else while rubbing one out.

“Having said that, I’m not about to stop flicking myself off while fantasising about Jason Momoa banging me from behind in the shower. It’s a lot better than sex with Nath.”