How to talk about Blade Runner 2049 without actually watching it

IF you’re one of the silent majority who could not be arsed to watch the first one and sure as shit will not be shelling out cinema prices to see this one, you need not feel excluded.

Just follow these simple tips to steer Blade Runner chat in the right direction.

The sequels debate
When you find yourself being sucked in to a Blade Runner conversation, try to redirect the topic to the big picture with a question about whether the sequel was really necessary. This will inevitably lead to the safe territory of ‘best sequels ever’, which may continue for several hours.

Nod. A lot.
Remember, the Blade Runner bores don’t want to hear your opinions, they want to share their own and show how clever they are. Affirmative head motions and noises will give them the validation they need while you use the time to think about what to make for dinner later.

‘So do you think he was he a replicant?’
If you need to chuck in a reference, simply use this question, word for word – then watch them go off on one debating the various positions taken by Harrison Ford and Ridley Scott. Likewise, the question ‘Which version of the original do you prefer?’ will serve the same purpose.

Shag Marry Kill Jared Leto, Ryan Gosling and Harrison Ford
The dystopian diatribes can be hard going for everyone, so don’t be afraid to lighten the atmosphere with a game of Shag, Marry, Kill with the film’s stars. And then walk quickly away from anyone who says anything other than kill Leto.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Ten-year-old who can beat up everyone in school accepts his life has peaked

A TEN-YEAR-OLD who can beat up anyone at his school has accepted that life will not get any better than this. 

Stephen Malley triumphed in a scuffle with a year six pupil yesterday, meaning that he is now the undisputed champion of St John’s C of E Primary and it is downhill from here.

Malley said: “Even the teachers know it. And now what? I weep, for there are no kids left for me to conquer.

“I’ve got two years left at this school, two years of nobody daring to even challenge me, before I go to secondary school and get the shit kicked out of me for what I did to someone’s little brother.

“After that I’ll leave with hardly any qualifications, get a job in a garage, drink in the same pub every night and live for those moments when someone recognises me as the former king of the playground.

“It’s painful to think that some of these kids have so much more ahead of them than I’ll ever have. I think I’ll give out a few dead legs today, as pre-emptive revenge.”

Fellow pupil Julian Cook said: “I can’t wait until I’m 18 and the brightest kid in school. Then I’ll go to university and spend the rest of my days as a has-been.”